Doing Alright

What a lovely week this has been.

I am out of school for winter break AND my boyfriend came home! I have been spending lots of time with him. Oh how I have missed his company. He is so protective of me, and so caring. I wish he didn't have to leave again. I hate it when he is away. That is usually when I fall into my depressive ways.

I also found out that after my long period of weight gain over the last couple of months, I am finally back down to 104. Which is where I was about 3 months ago. I am elated to see a loss on the scale. And I have been having such a good week. Could it be...I am experiencing real happiness? For the first time in a long time, I am doing alright. It seems like there is always something wrong, something always keeping me down and preventing me from being happy. Things have been going so well lately, I am beginning to get paranoid. I hope this isn't God's way of preparing me for something horrible that is to come. How strange is it that I am paranoid about actually being happy? It's like I can't accept the fact that things might actually go well for me sometimes.

I must be crazy.

Just Checking In...

I woke up last night with horrible hunger pains. They've never been worse! They were so strong, they literally woke me up from my sleep. But I refused to eat. So, instead I drank a full cup of water, which seemed to help, and then went right back to sleep. I love water. It so easily tricks the stomach. But then it makes me feel full and bloated if I drink too much. Never a good thing. The absolute worst feeling to me, is when my stomach is too full. I can feel all of the nasty weight of what I've just eaten in my stomach as it digests itself and disperses the fat inside my body. It is utterly horrifying. I try to avoid it at all costs, but I always binge when I am upset. It's disgusting. 

Anyway, I get to see the boyfriend very soon. Finally! It has been almost 4 months since we have seen each other. I've been freaking out over what to wear, how to do my hair, etc... I just keep thinking to myself, "What if he sees me and doesn't think I'm pretty anymore?" or worse, "What if he sees me and thinks that I've gained weight?" He is absolutely not superficial like that in any way, but the thoughts still race through my head. I can't stop them. 

I haven't eaten yet today, but it's only 1:30 in the afternoon. So, we will see how the rest of the day goes... 

-Kylie

Out of the Hospital ... Liquid Diet

I just got out of the hospital last night. I was admitted Friday night and just came home last night (Sunday). Remember those horrible stomach pains and nausea I posted about Friday evening? Well, I thought it was only my food digesting slowly and giving me gas pains or something. But a little while after I posted that, I started throwing up and it wouldn't stop. I threw up nonstop for 4 hours. I was so sick and there was nothing left in my stomach, but I kept throwing up anyway. I was just laying on my bathroom floor shaking and crying. My parents finally took me to the hospital when I began throwing up blood. It was the worst pain I've ever felt. When I got to the hospital, they said I was so dehydrated that I needed to be put on an IV immediately. But the throwing up still didn't stop. I was mostly just dry heaving up blood and stomach acid since there was no food left in my stomach and I was so dehydrated. I was shaking so hard I couldn't even stand, much less make it to the bathroom on my own. They finally put some stomach medicine in my IV to stop the throwing up and I fell right to sleep. When I woke up the next day, I felt a lot better, but I was so thirsty and still felt a bit shaky. When the doctor came in to see me, he said I had blisters on my throat from all the stomach acid. It hurt so bad, but I didn't throw up anymore after that. They kept me there the following night for observation, just to be safe. 


But I am finally back home. I've been put on bed rest and a liquid diet for the next 48 hours. After that I am supposed to only eat soft foods or soup for the rest of the week, or until my throat feels better and my stomach is back to normal. Of course I wish this had never happened, but I can't help but be thankful that if I am going to be confined to my bed and unable to be active for awhile, at least my diet has been restricted by my doctor as well. I can't think of anything worse than laying in bed for days and stuffing my face with no way to get rid of the calories. Good thing my stomach still feels weak. I don't think I could eat any real food even if the doctor hadn't told me to stick to liquids. But look on the bright side, I haven't eaten solid food in 3 days...

It Hurts!

I'm having the worst stomach pains! Yesterday I ate entirely too much. And all of it is catching up to me now. I feel so nauseous and bloated. I wish my stomach would just digest all of this food already. I need to flush my system. Nothing but water for the next 12 hours. That should help...

I am starting my diet today as well. I have an important event coming up in 3 weeks and I want to be smaller. :( I think I'm going to go back to a vegetarian diet for the time being. That seemed to really help with maintaining my weight and not gaining. I'm kind of excited to get back to that.

Something that's been bothering me is how unfit I am. I'm going to start working out again. I've been so busy with school that it's hard to find time for anything else lately. But I know that I need to make time for it now. Especially since I'm starting my diet. I'm more likely to lose weight with the combination of both than I am with just one. 

I really hope I can stick with this for the next 3 weeks... and hopefully longer! 

Been Feeling Down

Sorry for disappearing for a while again guys... I just haven't been feeling up to writing much lately. I've had a terrible couple of weeks, but I'm hoping things get better soon. Right now, I have a week long break off from school. Hopefully some time spent at home with my family will help turn my mood around. I just feel a little lost. I'm probably the worst Ana blogger in the history of Ana bloggers. So, I apologize. But please know I will return and update on everything crazy that has been happening in my life. I just can't bear to type everything out right now... I can't seem to find the words.

To everyone who reads my blog, thank you so much for being so kind to me and supporting me without judgement. You have all been such dear friends. Sometimes I don't know what I would do if I had never discovered this wonderful community of people. I would probably be a whole lot worse off than I currently am... Thank you for listening. You don't know how much it means.

To Rayya

I know I don't post as often as I should, and we don't talk as often as we used to. You have so many Ana friends now, but I hope you still include me as one of them. You've always been my favorite Ana blogger. I just love reading your posts and talking with you through our blogs. Especially when I am feeling down. You haven't posted in a while, and I am honestly starting to miss reading what you are up to and how you're doing. This past week, I have been feeling extremely depressed and worthless. I feel so lost and my mind has been wandering to very dark places... As you're my closest Ana friend, I was hoping for some advice from you. Please come back soon. I could use your cheering up. You're so strong, Rayya. And you always make me feel better. I look up to you as an older sister.

Love you so much,

Kylie xxx

Please No...

Oh god. I can feel it. It's about to happen. I'm about to binge. I'm trying so hard to distract myself, but its as if the food is calling my name. Begging for me to eat it and then get rid of it all... I am so sick. Throwing up used to disgust me. I found it entirely repulsive. But now? I will do anything to be thin. How can I even live with myself? My mind is an awful place. A place where the most disgusting things seem perfectly okay and justifiable. Please please, Kylie...Don't do this. Who am I kidding? I can't fight this disease. It's a part of me. Self hatred is something I battle on a daily basis. Half of me hates that I do this to myself, and the other half can't stop. And that half always wins.

Pushing On

I'm definitely feeling the negative effects of not eating for a while. I'm still getting nauseous when my stomach is empty. But now when I do eat, it messes up my entire digestive system. I don't even want to go into detail. I'm sure you all have experienced these things before. Not the most pleasant part about Ana. But I'm pushing on...

I glanced at myself in a mirror I was walking past today and noticed that my thighs don't touch when I walk anymore. Not even at the top. I almost cried. No lie. I'm scared to weigh myself, but hopefully the thigh gap is a good sign. I don't know why they don't touch anymore. They still look like fat, whale legs to me. Maybe my hips have gotten wider and spread my legs farther apart... It's got to be something like that. There's no way I've lost that must weight. I'm still huge.

I wish I looked half as good as her... ^^

Empty is Everything

For the first time in a long time, I have successfully been restricting. I was doing so horribly for so long, it has been nice to know that I still have some control over this fat body of mine.
For the past week, I have been skipping breakfast. (Nice start, but nothing special...) And yesterday I amped it up to skipping breakfast and lunch. It was horrible and exhilarating all at the same time to feel those hunger pains again. Ahhhh I have missed those.

I will try with everything I can muster to keep going like this. Only eating one meal a day, and drinking lots and lots of water. I just hate how nauseous I get when I don't eat. That is probably the biggest downside. But I just have to sit down and drink some water and concentrate on my breathing and it usually goes away after a few minutes. Enduring a little nausea will definitely be worth it when I am down to my low weight (103) again.

Roommate problems...Help!

Since I've moved out of my parent's house to go to college, I have been staying on campus in the dorms. Yes, I have a roommate. Don't even get me started on how hard it is to live with someone you had never met before it was time to move in together. Needless to say, we have our struggles. But I have grown to like her for the most part and call her a friend.

The one thing that bothers me most about her is how overbearing she is. Mostly about my weight/eating habits/exercise. I have never been a person who likes confrontation. If someone is mean to me or tries to boss me around or does bad things to me, I just take it. I don't know why. I hate myself for letting people walk all over me. But I just can't stick up for myself. I've never been able to. I would just rather avoid the entire situation and not start arguments.

So, back to my overbearing roommate...
Ever since we moved in together, she has always told me how skinny I am and how I need to gain weight. She weighs 15-20 lbs more than me. It is impossible for me to skip a meal around her. Every time she eats, she insists I eat too. I try and tell her I'm not hungry, but she just shoves food in my face and tells me I need to eat more because I'm too skinny and I need some "meat on my bones". It's gotten to the point that I've been thinking about purging more and more lately. :(

And god forbid I ever want to exercise. She yelled at me when I told her I spent an hour on the treadmill! She said I don't need to be doing any cardio because it will only make me thinner, and if I INSIST on working out, I only need to only lift weights so that I can "gain muscle and bulk up".
I don't think she is doing any of this to be mean. It's just her personality. She's like this all the time. But it is really starting to get to me. I don't even like being in the same room with her when I change clothes. She always looks at me and says "oh my gosh you're so thin! Why do you even work out?" Maybe it's because I don't want my entire body weight to consist of fat... And she always makes me stand in the mirror next to her and compare leg size, arm size, stomach size. It's annoying, and it makes me uncomfortable. Yes, I am smaller than her. Why does she have to point it out all the time? I am in control of my own body, not her. Why do I let her drag me through the mud day after day about my body? I wish I could tell her all of this. But I'd never be able to work up the courage. I'm just not a fighter. I can't start things with people.

I know she isn't saying these things because she is concerned for me. The way she says them, I can tell it's because she gets jealous. She always talks about how much she hates her own body and wishes she were smaller and then turns around and tells me I need to gain weight. I think she just wants me to be the same size as her so she doesn't feel so bad about herself. She weighs 125. I am currently fluctuating between 105 & 110. I feel like I would be doing a whole lot better if she weren't interfering so much. How do I get her to stop? I don't think I can take it much longer...

HELP.

Demi

Demi Lovato has always been a huge inspiration to me. She is so beautiful, and so strong. I adore everything about this girl. What an amazing journey she has been on the past few years. I admire how strong and courageous she is today. It is so comforting to know that someone so talented and beautiful has faced the same demons I face. Makes you not feel so alone in this world.

Skyscraper - So empowering and emotional. One of my Demi favorites for sure.

If you're not a fan of Demi's, you might not know that she is currently a judge for the popular TV show, The X Factor. This particular audition was so emotional. I cried through the entire thing, watching it on TV. I too can relate to the pain this girl feels. It was heartbreaking to hear her story. Words cannot describe how much I feel for this girl, and for Demi as well. I feel so honored to have heard her story. They are both so strong. Please watch this. It is so worth it.

It's Been Too Long

Hi all new followers! Hi old followers who haven't forgetten about me yet :) I have missed my Ana friends dearly.

I guess it's time for an update on me...

Well, I haven't been very consistent in my blog posts as of late. This isn't a surprise to anyone, I'm sure. I have just been so busy. I started college last month and haven't had a lot of free time since. My summer was nice. Me and my (ex?) boyfriend spent a lot of time together and really had a wonderful last few months together.

Now that is all over.

He is gone. I don't want to go into too much detail because I do like keeping this blog anonymous, but he has moved 12 hours away from me, and he isn't allowed to have a phone where he is. (NO, he's not in jail. omg.) Our plans after high school were drastically different, to say the least. This is why we had planned to break up after the summer. We were both worried about making a long distance relationship work, and it's no secret that we've gone through some rough times in the past. So, we decided to just enjoy our last summer together and end things on a good note with each other. Much easier said than done. When it came time  for him to leave, I was a mess. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him and not being able to even talk to him while he was gone. In the end, we did officially break up. But I don't think it's what either one of us wanted. He writes me letters from where he is, but I miss him like crazy. I don't know whether to consider myself single or not. There is no question that he still has my heart. I haven't looked at another guy once since he's been gone, and I anxiously await his letters. I can't wait until I can see his face again and have him in my arms. We have been together for two years now, and I honestly feel a little lost without him. I haven't ever gone this long without talking to him, and I haven't been without him for two years. I am trying my best to stay strong because I promised him that I would.  I don't want him to worry about me while he is away. In his first letter to me, he asked twice if I had been eating and reminded me to stay healthy. In a way, this breaks my heart. I don't want him to have to worry about me staying healthy. I feel so guilty for putting him in that position. I want to be healthy, for him. But for myself? Not at all. I am still a broken little girl. And without him here, and with my heart so heavy, it is so easy for me to listen to Ana. This disease offers me peace. Helps me momentarily forget the pain. Gives me the control that I lack in every other aspect of my life. I know I am sick, but it's the only way I know how to live.

Kylie

I weighed in at 105 this morning.

I know I should feel happy about that, but I don't.

I am worthless.

Taking Control

I haven't eaten in 36 hours. This is the longest I have gone without consuming a single calorie. Yesterday all I had was 4 glasses of water and a glass of ice chips throughout the day. I woke up this morning feeling weird. I have a bad headache, but no hunger pains. I expected to wake up more hungry than ever, but I feel nothing from my stomach. I was a little dizzy when I first stood up, but that was to be expected. I'm hoping I can last the rest of the day and make it two full days without eating. Even if I don't quite make it, I am at least satisfied with what I have done. I'm finally taking some control.

I am more sick and delusioned than ever. I am in a bad place right now, and I know that. I honestly went crazy last night and called my ex and ended up crying on the phone with him for about 3 hours. We've been broken up for only 3 weeks, and he already has someone else. That hurt me so bad. It's like our two years together meant nothing to him. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone.

I tried once again to tell him how sick I was. I just wanted him to know what I am going through. I thought he would care and be concerned for me. I just wanted him to express some concern for me and let me know he wanted me to be alright. He is the only person I have ever talked to about my eating disorder, but he has never really taken it seriously. As soon as I brought it up last night, he tried to change the subject. He didn't even care. He thought I was being "dramatic" again, and didn't want to deal with it. After a while, I realized that he cannot help me if he doesn't even care. I don't even want help. I'm not ready to leave my eating disorder; I just wanted to know he cared about me. He proved however that he didn't. I asked him not to tell anyone at the end of our conversation. I told him that it really is something I struggle with, and I don't want everyone to know that about me. He agreed not to tell anyone. But I think that's only because he doesn't believe I am actually sick with this disease. 

Now that the only person who knows about my secret is gone, what is there to hold me back from getting worse? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no one that can stop me now.

Totally Lost

I need to be completely honest right now. I have fallen completely off the band wagon. I have basically been binge eating for a week straight. I feel depressed. Mostly from the breakup, but I'm trying to handle it. I don't know what has gotten into me, but it has to stop. I have ruined the workout routine I had built up for myself and I don't even want to think about getting on the scale. I've probably gained 10 pounds. I don't think I've ever messed up this bad. :( I am so off track. I need to fix this. I feel fatter than ever.

107!!

Jumping for joy over here! Yes, that's right, I am at my lowest weight EVER. While its not where I want to be ideally, its better than nothing. My personal life may be falling apart, but at least I'll always have Ana. She seems to swoop right in and comfort me through all of the bad times.

It's safe to say my eating disorder is fully thriving these days. The single life has given me one thing: Time. I have so much time on my hands now. Too much in fact. I find myself spending way more time thinking about what I'm going to eat next and carefully planning out each calorie. And I've been excercising a ton too. I feel so guilty when I eat. :( I have to work it all off right after or I feel disgusting and obese and worthless. Excercising helps alleviate some of the hatred I feel towards my body. And it makes me feel more in control. Like less of a lazy, fat failure. I hope I can keep this newly-found stamina up and continue my workouts and weightloss. It's pretty much the only thing I have going for me now.

Sweet Summertime?

First of all, let me just say how sorry I am for neglecting my blog for so long. I wouldn't be surprised if all of my friends in the ana community have forgotten about me by now. But I promise I'm going to try my hardest to post more often.

I've been soooo busy lately. College is hard. :( Honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed. I didn't really get much of a break. I graduated high school and immediately began taking summer courses for college. And I think the stress is getting to me. I'm just getting over being sick. I've been puking my guts out all week. I definitely don't judge those of you who may struggle with bulimia, but that is definitely not me. For some reason, I can't stand throwing up. But I have no problem with starving myself. I crave it, even. Pretty messed up, huh?

Speaking of messed up, my boyfriend and i broke up again. I broke up with him this time. I just couldn't take it anymore. He has changed so much since we first got together two years ago. He doesn't treat me right anymore. He doesn't care about me, and I can't be in a relationship like that. I've been staying really positive, but I do get really sad about things. But I just try and tell myself that everything will eventually be okay. Even so, I keep find myself rocking back and force, reliving all of the bad memories, blaming myself for everything, and trying to repeat in my head "You deserve better. This isn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself." It's hard though. I really hate myself sometimes. But I believe I still deserve to be happy. I hope I find that one day.

-Kylie

Black Out.

I passed out. In front of my entire family. It was bad.

I was in the middle of my fast. I hadn't eaten in two days. I know you're supposed to take it easy when you're fasting, and that's what I had been doing. But my sister asked me to do some yard work with her outside, and I said yes. Mistake #1. After being outside in the heat for a while, I started to become really tired. That's when I realized I hadn't drunk any water all day. Mistake #2. I sort of stumbled into the house to get some water, and I started getting really dizzy. So, I sat down in the kitchen for a minute and tried to regain my balance. I got myself a glass of water and drank it, and then started walking towards my room. But as I was passing through the living room (where my whole family was), my vision went black and I could feel myself falling. I hit the floor, and that was it.

When I came to, I was laying on my back with a cool washcloth on my forehead and my family was standing around me. Apparently they had all freaked when I went down. My sister told my mom that I hadn't eaten yet that day (that little rat), and my mom told me I needed to be more careful and make sure I was eating plenty, especially if I was going to be working outside. Other than that, I don't think anyone is suspicious of me. But my mom walked me to my bedroom and made me rest and eat crackers. I only ate five though, which is 60 calories total.

Honestly, it scared me a little. I don't like passing out. I've only passed out twice, and both times were from not eating. It doesn't feel good, not being able to control your body. Everything going black. I don't like it. How do I fast, or even barely consume calories, without passing out? Obviously I wasn't fasting the right way. What should I change when I try my next fast? I want to continue with Ana, but I want to do things the right way. So many questions.

Lightheaded and Loving It

I started my fast today. I haven't consumed a single calorie. I feel so lightheaded and faint. My body is WAY too used to food. Oh well, a little shock to the system can't hurt, right?

It feels so good just saying no to food. I feel in control and happy. I have missed this empty feeling in my stomach. :) There is no way I'm stopping my fast any time soon. 

Hope everyone is doing well. 

Guess What?!

Guess what? I'm graduating from high school in a week. I'm so excited! I know I'm going to be really sad the last day of school, but right now I couldn't be happier. I am just ready to start a new chapter of my life. Go to college, redefine myself... That kind of thing.

And not only that, but I have had the privilege of working out in the on-campus gym many times. And I cannot even begin to explain to you how excited I am going to be when I have my student membership and can use their wonderful, wonderful gym any time I want free of charge.

In other news, I think I'm going to try another fast. It's been awhile since I last tried to fast, but I've been eating like an absolute obese person the last few days. And its honestly depressing to me when my stomach is full. That's when I hate myself the most. I need to cleanse my system of all the nasty food I've been eating. Liquid fast: here I come.

We're Back Together.

The boy and I are back together. :)

I'm so happy! ...and gaining weight. 2 pounds so far. Why is it that I can only lose weight when I'm upset? Why can't I just be happy AND thin?

I know what you're thinking: "You can't have your cake and eat it, too." But I swear, I don't want to eat any damn cake!

-Ky

On The Verge.

I'm so close to breaking.

Things are so complicated with my exboyfriend. We tried being friends after the break up, and just ended up hooking up. Now, I dont know what to do. :/

Also, I haven't been eating. Like hardly at all. After he broke up with me, I pretty much lost the will to do much of anything. I don't want to sound like just another whiny teenager. Because I'm not. Its really hard to lose someone who you are so close to. We were together for two years. I'm a mess right now.

Anyway, I haven't been eating and he's been noticing. I weigh 108 now. I dropped 7 pounds in a week and a half. Normally, I would be so happy about that, but its hard to be happy about anything right now. I am grateful though. No one will stay by your side like Ana will, that's for sure. Guess I'm learning that the hard way.

But I need some advice. Like I said before, my exboyfriend is noticing that I'm not eating... He asked me point blank today if I was "trying to be anorexic". I laughed and said no, of course not. But a part of me wanted to scream at him and tell him the truth about it all. Should I have told him? I'm tired of lying to everyone around me... I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask for?

Broken

My boyfriend of two years left me.
Out of the blue.
With little reason, other than he just "didn't feel the same about me anymore".

I have no idea how to go on.
My best friend has just been ripped from me.
My life seems meaningless now.

I've stopped eating.
I've stopped caring.
I've stopped trying.

I hate myself.

Amazing.

That is how I feel. Amazing.

I had a wonderful time while I was away with friends on vacation. So much fun! But unfortunately, it was raining a good portion of the time. :( No sun for me.

Anyways, the main reason I feel so amazing is because I just bought my prom dress for senior prom not too long ago. And guess what size it is! ZERO. It's amazing, isn't it? I was delighted when the size 4's were too big, and I practically had a heart attack when the size 2's were too big! I can't believe I can fit into a size 0. I have wanted this for so long. And to find this out when I'm trying on beautiful dresses just made it that much better. I will admit, it is a tiny tiny big snug on me. But I can breathe, and it zips up all the way!  So, no worries. My plan is to just not eat between now and prom. I'm not even kidding. I want that dress to fit perfectly. I must do this.

Going vegetarian was the best decision I've ever made. I am so continuing this after Lent!!

xoxo Kylie

I'm Doing Well

I'm really tired right now, so this post will be short. I'm doing really well right now. Lent is going great, and I'm feeling really good physically and mentally. I have absolutely no idea what I weigh. I NEED a new scale at home!! But I can tell the new diet and exercising regularly are really helping out. 

Also, I'm going on vacation with some friends really soon, so I'll be totally MIA for a while. But I can't wait to catch up with everyone's blogs when I get back!! This trip could not have come at a better time. I really need a break from reality right now. lol I hope to come back relaxed and even more determined than I am now. 

Warm weather, here I come!! 

-Kylie

Lent

I decided to give up meat this year for Lent. I was already trying to stay away from meat in general, but thats a really hard thing to do when my mother cooks dinner for the family and asks why I'm "barely touching my favorite foods". So, I decided giving up meat for Lent would be a good way to kill two birds with one stone. Maybe help me stay on track with losing weight before Spring Break. 

So, today is Day 4 without meat, and I feel pretty good! I've been much more aware of my diet, which has helped me eat healthier foods and stay at a low calorie intake. Wish me luck on the next 42 days of Lent!! 

Something That Gets Under My Skin

Hey guys, I changed the look of my blog. Tell me what you think, I'm not sure if I like it...


Anyway, I have received two comments on my blog so far that have really gotten under my skin. I know that when you post something on the internet, you are making yourself available to scrutiny and criticism because everyone can see it. I just wish others weren't so quick to judge. The two comments I am referring to are as follows:


"Please stop and just eat being thin is worth nothing!! Eat and enjoy life" -Kandie


"no please dont do this to yourself...it ruined my life and my familys...i nearly died...lifes not worth that pain or pain on others" -Anonymous

And my response to these two commenters is this: Look, I understand and respect that everyone has a different story. But don't criticize mine. I respect your opinion, but please don't comment on my blog if you have anything negative to say. This blog is an outlet for me to express myself in a community of people who will not judge me. I certainly didn't ask for your opinion, and I don't appreciate your negativity. If you don't like what you see on my blog, then get the hell out and don't read it. Thank you.

Just One of Those Days...

I feel lacking today. My head isn't in the right place. I fell asleep on my couch, and when I woke up an hour later, I was freezing. I searched the kitchen for something warm to eat, and almost made myself some hot chocolate and a piece of toast. At 10:30 at night. Yuck.  Once I realized this, I left the kitchen promptly. I am now fighting the hunger pains from my bedroom, and thinking about how gross I feel for even being hungry this late. I need to go to bed asap, before my stomach wins out. Hopefully looking at thinspo will help...

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love Valentine's Day. I am a sucker for a good love story. My boyfriend surprised me with the sweetest gifts today and took me on a really nice date to dinner and a movie. <3 I had so much fun.

...BUUUTTT I did let myself have a cheat day today. Unfortunately. I knew my boyfriend was going to give me chocolate and take me out for vday, and I didn't want to be rude or raise suspicion, so I allowed myself to eat normally today. Honestly, I didn't like it. It feels weird to eat and try to NOT think about every evil little calorie I'm shoving into my mouth. I can't help it. I have to think about it. It's like its hardwired into my brain to love and hate food all at the same time, which makes it utterly impossible to pretend like I have any normal sort of relationship with food. At least I can pretend and eat my dinner and make my boyfriend happy though :) That was nice enough.

Also, I ran into a good friend of mine I hadn't seen in a while, and she told me my legs looked so skinny and little. I fought the urge to throw my arms around her and cry out in small victory. Yes, it felt sooo good to hear actual confirmation that all of my hard work is starting to pay off. But I know I still have a long way to go. And it was great motivation to keep going! 

Don't take your successes for granted, girls. Celebrate them :) I know I sure am! 

xoxo 

Kylie 

A New Me

I'm tired.
Tired of being lazy. Tired of not losing. Tired of being disgusted when I look in the mirror.

There are no more excuses. The only thing stopping me is, well, me. But not anymore. I am so ready for change, its not even funny. Starting today, I am going to be A Brand New Me. A happier, more motivated, better version of myself.

I've discovered several things over the last week or so that are going to be of great help to me. The first is that water is my BEST FRIEND. I must keep water with me at all times. It subsides the hunger pains and makes me eat waaay less. Yeah, I have to pee every 20 minutes, but that's better than eating. Secondly, I've decided I'm cutting meat mostly out of my diet. I'm only going to eat meat when I have no choice (i.e. my mother makes dinner and insists I eat). Otherwise, I am staying away from it. I'm not really doing it for all of the humane reasons, but I've read some online articles, and there are a lot of health benefits to not eating meat. Besides, I've always thought of meat as being kind of dirty and greasy and filled with fat and calories. Last but not least, there will be absolutely no eating after 8:30PM. Personally, I feel disgusting when I eat late at night. If I eat past 8:30, there's almost no chance I'm going to be able to work those calories off. So, I'm preventing that with this new rule. At 8:30, I'm going to brush my teeth and stay as far away from the kitchen as I can.

Hopefully these new implementations really help. I'm already feeling better, and I've only been at it for a couple of days. Now I'm just praying to see some positive results on the scale...

xoxo

Liquid Fasting

I recently started following this really thinspiring blog, Striving For Perfection. I asked the author, Renea, for some tips on liquid fasting, and I wanted to share them on my blog as well!

Here are her liquid fasting tips:

1.      Start on a busy day, that way you are distracted and don’t have time to eat.

2.      Water bottle with you at ALL times! I keep mine in my purse.

3.      Keep reminding yourself that the 1^st day is the hardest but after the other days are so much easier, I’m not saying a walk in the park but I am saying they are easier.

4.      Before going on the fast go for 4-7 days eating mostly raw fruits and veggies.

5.      Remember you will get dizzy easier and possibly blackout.

6.      Don’t forget to rest and sleep lots!

A big thank you to Renea for answering my question. I’ve been dying to do a liquid fast, but every time I try it ends in epic failure. So, I’m super excited to do one now that I have a better idea of how I should do it! I don’t think for first fast I should set my sights on a whole week. My plan is to just try and make it one day. One entire, full day without food. Oh, the thought of it is just glorious. Starting tomorrow, I’ll begin preparing for it with a few days of fruits and veggies only. Wish my luck!

xoxo

Sick :(

So, I'm sick. I have strep throat. The good thing about being sick is that I just want to lay in bed and not move and my appetite is gone. I ate breakfast this morning, and now I feel like throwing up. It hurt my stomach. Whenever I get sick, it feels like my stomach ulcers (mentioned in my very first post) act up and make me very uncomfortable when I eat. All I had was a tiny bit of soup and some hot chocolate and I feel like I just ate a four course meal. My stomach hurts so bad and I just feel like throwing up. So, you see, its a blessing and a curse. I hate feeling this way, but at the same time it feels good to know my body is rejecting food.

Other than that, all is well. How are you guys?

My Apologies

I'm so sorry I've neglected this blog for so long! Things have just been really crazy for me lately. I've been super busy with my last semester of high school. I graduate in May (yay!). So, I've been trying really hard to do well in school and apply to different colleges and such. It's a grueling process, really. But I'm trying my best! College will be amazing though. I am absolutely not living at home. And you know what that means? 24/7 access to an on-campus gym and controlling my own diet. No more mom doing that for me :) Can you say glorious?

But like I said before, I've had a ton going on these days in my personal life. I try not to get super personal about things outside the realm of ED, because I'm super paranoid that I'm going to get a stalker or worse, have someone figure out who I am. I know I'm hiding, but I like it that way. This is the only place where I can be open and honest about Ana and not be judged for it though... I hope that made some sort of sense.

And a big thank you to those of you who read my blog. I know I don't have many followers, but I do appreciate those of you who are here for me. I love hearing how you guys are doing, so please comment and let me know you're still alive!

I love you all <3,

Ky