I haven't eaten in 36 hours. This is the longest I have gone without consuming a single calorie. Yesterday all I had was 4 glasses of water and a glass of ice chips throughout the day. I woke up this morning feeling weird. I have a bad headache, but no hunger pains. I expected to wake up more hungry than ever, but I feel nothing from my stomach. I was a little dizzy when I first stood up, but that was to be expected. I'm hoping I can last the rest of the day and make it two full days without eating. Even if I don't quite make it, I am at least satisfied with what I have done. I'm finally taking some control.
I am more sick and delusioned than ever. I am in a bad place right now, and I know that. I honestly went crazy last night and called my ex and ended up crying on the phone with him for about 3 hours. We've been broken up for only 3 weeks, and he already has someone else. That hurt me so bad. It's like our two years together meant nothing to him. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone.
I tried once again to tell him how sick I was. I just wanted him to know what I am going through. I thought he would care and be concerned for me. I just wanted him to express some concern for me and let me know he wanted me to be alright. He is the only person I have ever talked to about my eating disorder, but he has never really taken it seriously. As soon as I brought it up last night, he tried to change the subject. He didn't even care. He thought I was being "dramatic" again, and didn't want to deal with it. After a while, I realized that he cannot help me if he doesn't even care. I don't even want help. I'm not ready to leave my eating disorder; I just wanted to know he cared about me. He proved however that he didn't. I asked him not to tell anyone at the end of our conversation. I told him that it really is something I struggle with, and I don't want everyone to know that about me. He agreed not to tell anyone. But I think that's only because he doesn't believe I am actually sick with this disease.
Now that the only person who knows about my secret is gone, what is there to hold me back from getting worse? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no one that can stop me now.
Oh no hun, I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place, You are beautiful and amazing and a wonderful person. Dont think on that guy anymore, he will realise what hes lost (guys are slow on the uptake but I promise you it WILL hit him - it always does trust me ;) x ) And by then you will be strong and confident and you wont even remember his name. Just remember that I am here for you whenever you need to talk or anything.. I hate that you're hurting and I wish there was something I could do <3 Lots of love darling xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Rayya. I hope things get better with time. That's all I can do at this point. But thank you so much for always giving me your support. I cherish your friendship.
ReplyDeleteI know you said you are not ready to leave your disorder yet, but there is an amazing resource at Setting Captives Free. When you get ready, it might help. http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/his-image/
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