Vegan

If you've read my blog in the past, you will know that I was vegetarian for about 4 months last year. I really enjoyed it! It helped me lose a little weight, and I noticed I was having way more energy than when I was eating meat. But it was hard for me to stick to it after a while just because my family eats primarily meat and it just wasn't the right kind of environment to continue my vegetarian diet in.

But since I live on my own now and pay for my own groceries (what little I allow myself to buy, that is), I feel like I have the ability to try things again and really stick with it!

Only this time, I'm taking it a step further and going vegan. Which means no meat and no animal by-products (eggs, dairy products). I've been at it for almost two weeks now, and I am loving it! I have already lost 3 pounds, just from the change in diet.

I decided to do this again for several reasons. The main one being the health benefits. If you don't know what I mean by this, I recommend watching one of two very powerful documentaries. Forks Over Knives, and Vegucated. Both are extremely eye-opening and really show you how bad the modern diet is for our bodies. Another big reason is because of animal rights. I have never been a big advocate for animal rights, but after watching how these animals are treated and destroyed in our factory farming systems, it absolutely breaks my heart. There's no way I will be a part of that anymore. I can't bear to eat meat again. It disgusts me.

I will keep you updated on how this new change goes. Hopefully it all works out for the best. So far, everything is great. I haven't run into any major problems. I think I might actually be able to do this!

Back to work.

Good news! I found a workout buddy. We've decided to work out together 3 days a week at a local gym. I'm really happy because I know it'll give me the extra motivation to get in shape if I have someone to hold me accountable for my workouts. We worked out together yesterday, took a break today, and we're going again tomorrow. It was really nice to hit the gym again, but holy crap I am so out of shape. It's sad how winded I get from running after only a minute on the treadmill. I just want to cry.

My roommate's like "You don't need to work out, you're already so thin!" Not really... I don't think people understand that someone can look "thin" in their clothes, but still have a lot of fat on their bodies. I have absolutely no muscle. It's all fat around my stomach and thighs and arms. It's disgusting.

I want to be toned, tan, and tiny. Ahhhhh think of how amazing that would be... I can picture it now. I'm going to work at this. Really work. I want to get in shape and lose weight. I won't stop until I look good naked. I will not fail. Not this time. I'm ready to work as hard as I have to.

Been Awhile...

Wow.

I've been away from this blog for about 4 months now. I was just reading my last post from December, the one where I was talking about being paranoid something terrible was just around the corner because things seemed to be going too well.

Aaannndd... I was right. Everything pretty much fell to shit right after that. I'll spare you the awful details. It's depressing and, quite frankly, still too hard to think about.

All I'll say is that something horrific happened, and it sent me spiraling downward into a major depression. And I just went crazy and left.

Left my home.

Left college.

Left the old me behind.

I ran away. I couldn't stay there any longer and be reminded of the past. I had to get away. And when I did, I swore to myself that I would try to be better on my own. I would stop this blog and finally tell Ana "No".

I've been trying for the past four months.

Then I stepped on the scale last week. For the first time in 4 months.

Gain.

Major gain.

15 pounds heavier than when I left. That's when I decided to screw the whole thing, and now here I am. Back to my blog. Back to restricting. Back to sneaking in extra exercise in the bathroom when my new roommate is sleeping. Back to that old "Oh, I already ate" line everyone and their mom has heard from me a million times. But do I care? Not one bit. I just want to be skinny.

So, hello Ana family. I've missed you all.

-Kylie

Doing Alright

What a lovely week this has been.

I am out of school for winter break AND my boyfriend came home! I have been spending lots of time with him. Oh how I have missed his company. He is so protective of me, and so caring. I wish he didn't have to leave again. I hate it when he is away. That is usually when I fall into my depressive ways.

I also found out that after my long period of weight gain over the last couple of months, I am finally back down to 104. Which is where I was about 3 months ago. I am elated to see a loss on the scale. And I have been having such a good week. Could it be...I am experiencing real happiness? For the first time in a long time, I am doing alright. It seems like there is always something wrong, something always keeping me down and preventing me from being happy. Things have been going so well lately, I am beginning to get paranoid. I hope this isn't God's way of preparing me for something horrible that is to come. How strange is it that I am paranoid about actually being happy? It's like I can't accept the fact that things might actually go well for me sometimes.

I must be crazy.

Just Checking In...

I woke up last night with horrible hunger pains. They've never been worse! They were so strong, they literally woke me up from my sleep. But I refused to eat. So, instead I drank a full cup of water, which seemed to help, and then went right back to sleep. I love water. It so easily tricks the stomach. But then it makes me feel full and bloated if I drink too much. Never a good thing. The absolute worst feeling to me, is when my stomach is too full. I can feel all of the nasty weight of what I've just eaten in my stomach as it digests itself and disperses the fat inside my body. It is utterly horrifying. I try to avoid it at all costs, but I always binge when I am upset. It's disgusting. 

Anyway, I get to see the boyfriend very soon. Finally! It has been almost 4 months since we have seen each other. I've been freaking out over what to wear, how to do my hair, etc... I just keep thinking to myself, "What if he sees me and doesn't think I'm pretty anymore?" or worse, "What if he sees me and thinks that I've gained weight?" He is absolutely not superficial like that in any way, but the thoughts still race through my head. I can't stop them. 

I haven't eaten yet today, but it's only 1:30 in the afternoon. So, we will see how the rest of the day goes... 

-Kylie

Out of the Hospital ... Liquid Diet

I just got out of the hospital last night. I was admitted Friday night and just came home last night (Sunday). Remember those horrible stomach pains and nausea I posted about Friday evening? Well, I thought it was only my food digesting slowly and giving me gas pains or something. But a little while after I posted that, I started throwing up and it wouldn't stop. I threw up nonstop for 4 hours. I was so sick and there was nothing left in my stomach, but I kept throwing up anyway. I was just laying on my bathroom floor shaking and crying. My parents finally took me to the hospital when I began throwing up blood. It was the worst pain I've ever felt. When I got to the hospital, they said I was so dehydrated that I needed to be put on an IV immediately. But the throwing up still didn't stop. I was mostly just dry heaving up blood and stomach acid since there was no food left in my stomach and I was so dehydrated. I was shaking so hard I couldn't even stand, much less make it to the bathroom on my own. They finally put some stomach medicine in my IV to stop the throwing up and I fell right to sleep. When I woke up the next day, I felt a lot better, but I was so thirsty and still felt a bit shaky. When the doctor came in to see me, he said I had blisters on my throat from all the stomach acid. It hurt so bad, but I didn't throw up anymore after that. They kept me there the following night for observation, just to be safe. 


But I am finally back home. I've been put on bed rest and a liquid diet for the next 48 hours. After that I am supposed to only eat soft foods or soup for the rest of the week, or until my throat feels better and my stomach is back to normal. Of course I wish this had never happened, but I can't help but be thankful that if I am going to be confined to my bed and unable to be active for awhile, at least my diet has been restricted by my doctor as well. I can't think of anything worse than laying in bed for days and stuffing my face with no way to get rid of the calories. Good thing my stomach still feels weak. I don't think I could eat any real food even if the doctor hadn't told me to stick to liquids. But look on the bright side, I haven't eaten solid food in 3 days...

It Hurts!

I'm having the worst stomach pains! Yesterday I ate entirely too much. And all of it is catching up to me now. I feel so nauseous and bloated. I wish my stomach would just digest all of this food already. I need to flush my system. Nothing but water for the next 12 hours. That should help...

I am starting my diet today as well. I have an important event coming up in 3 weeks and I want to be smaller. :( I think I'm going to go back to a vegetarian diet for the time being. That seemed to really help with maintaining my weight and not gaining. I'm kind of excited to get back to that.

Something that's been bothering me is how unfit I am. I'm going to start working out again. I've been so busy with school that it's hard to find time for anything else lately. But I know that I need to make time for it now. Especially since I'm starting my diet. I'm more likely to lose weight with the combination of both than I am with just one. 

I really hope I can stick with this for the next 3 weeks... and hopefully longer! 

Been Feeling Down

Sorry for disappearing for a while again guys... I just haven't been feeling up to writing much lately. I've had a terrible couple of weeks, but I'm hoping things get better soon. Right now, I have a week long break off from school. Hopefully some time spent at home with my family will help turn my mood around. I just feel a little lost. I'm probably the worst Ana blogger in the history of Ana bloggers. So, I apologize. But please know I will return and update on everything crazy that has been happening in my life. I just can't bear to type everything out right now... I can't seem to find the words.

To everyone who reads my blog, thank you so much for being so kind to me and supporting me without judgement. You have all been such dear friends. Sometimes I don't know what I would do if I had never discovered this wonderful community of people. I would probably be a whole lot worse off than I currently am... Thank you for listening. You don't know how much it means.

To Rayya

I know I don't post as often as I should, and we don't talk as often as we used to. You have so many Ana friends now, but I hope you still include me as one of them. You've always been my favorite Ana blogger. I just love reading your posts and talking with you through our blogs. Especially when I am feeling down. You haven't posted in a while, and I am honestly starting to miss reading what you are up to and how you're doing. This past week, I have been feeling extremely depressed and worthless. I feel so lost and my mind has been wandering to very dark places... As you're my closest Ana friend, I was hoping for some advice from you. Please come back soon. I could use your cheering up. You're so strong, Rayya. And you always make me feel better. I look up to you as an older sister.

Love you so much,

Kylie xxx

Please No...

Oh god. I can feel it. It's about to happen. I'm about to binge. I'm trying so hard to distract myself, but its as if the food is calling my name. Begging for me to eat it and then get rid of it all... I am so sick. Throwing up used to disgust me. I found it entirely repulsive. But now? I will do anything to be thin. How can I even live with myself? My mind is an awful place. A place where the most disgusting things seem perfectly okay and justifiable. Please please, Kylie...Don't do this. Who am I kidding? I can't fight this disease. It's a part of me. Self hatred is something I battle on a daily basis. Half of me hates that I do this to myself, and the other half can't stop. And that half always wins.

Pushing On

I'm definitely feeling the negative effects of not eating for a while. I'm still getting nauseous when my stomach is empty. But now when I do eat, it messes up my entire digestive system. I don't even want to go into detail. I'm sure you all have experienced these things before. Not the most pleasant part about Ana. But I'm pushing on...

I glanced at myself in a mirror I was walking past today and noticed that my thighs don't touch when I walk anymore. Not even at the top. I almost cried. No lie. I'm scared to weigh myself, but hopefully the thigh gap is a good sign. I don't know why they don't touch anymore. They still look like fat, whale legs to me. Maybe my hips have gotten wider and spread my legs farther apart... It's got to be something like that. There's no way I've lost that must weight. I'm still huge.

I wish I looked half as good as her... ^^

Empty is Everything

For the first time in a long time, I have successfully been restricting. I was doing so horribly for so long, it has been nice to know that I still have some control over this fat body of mine.
For the past week, I have been skipping breakfast. (Nice start, but nothing special...) And yesterday I amped it up to skipping breakfast and lunch. It was horrible and exhilarating all at the same time to feel those hunger pains again. Ahhhh I have missed those.

I will try with everything I can muster to keep going like this. Only eating one meal a day, and drinking lots and lots of water. I just hate how nauseous I get when I don't eat. That is probably the biggest downside. But I just have to sit down and drink some water and concentrate on my breathing and it usually goes away after a few minutes. Enduring a little nausea will definitely be worth it when I am down to my low weight (103) again.

Roommate problems...Help!

Since I've moved out of my parent's house to go to college, I have been staying on campus in the dorms. Yes, I have a roommate. Don't even get me started on how hard it is to live with someone you had never met before it was time to move in together. Needless to say, we have our struggles. But I have grown to like her for the most part and call her a friend.

The one thing that bothers me most about her is how overbearing she is. Mostly about my weight/eating habits/exercise. I have never been a person who likes confrontation. If someone is mean to me or tries to boss me around or does bad things to me, I just take it. I don't know why. I hate myself for letting people walk all over me. But I just can't stick up for myself. I've never been able to. I would just rather avoid the entire situation and not start arguments.

So, back to my overbearing roommate...
Ever since we moved in together, she has always told me how skinny I am and how I need to gain weight. She weighs 15-20 lbs more than me. It is impossible for me to skip a meal around her. Every time she eats, she insists I eat too. I try and tell her I'm not hungry, but she just shoves food in my face and tells me I need to eat more because I'm too skinny and I need some "meat on my bones". It's gotten to the point that I've been thinking about purging more and more lately. :(

And god forbid I ever want to exercise. She yelled at me when I told her I spent an hour on the treadmill! She said I don't need to be doing any cardio because it will only make me thinner, and if I INSIST on working out, I only need to only lift weights so that I can "gain muscle and bulk up".
I don't think she is doing any of this to be mean. It's just her personality. She's like this all the time. But it is really starting to get to me. I don't even like being in the same room with her when I change clothes. She always looks at me and says "oh my gosh you're so thin! Why do you even work out?" Maybe it's because I don't want my entire body weight to consist of fat... And she always makes me stand in the mirror next to her and compare leg size, arm size, stomach size. It's annoying, and it makes me uncomfortable. Yes, I am smaller than her. Why does she have to point it out all the time? I am in control of my own body, not her. Why do I let her drag me through the mud day after day about my body? I wish I could tell her all of this. But I'd never be able to work up the courage. I'm just not a fighter. I can't start things with people.

I know she isn't saying these things because she is concerned for me. The way she says them, I can tell it's because she gets jealous. She always talks about how much she hates her own body and wishes she were smaller and then turns around and tells me I need to gain weight. I think she just wants me to be the same size as her so she doesn't feel so bad about herself. She weighs 125. I am currently fluctuating between 105 & 110. I feel like I would be doing a whole lot better if she weren't interfering so much. How do I get her to stop? I don't think I can take it much longer...

HELP.

Demi

Demi Lovato has always been a huge inspiration to me. She is so beautiful, and so strong. I adore everything about this girl. What an amazing journey she has been on the past few years. I admire how strong and courageous she is today. It is so comforting to know that someone so talented and beautiful has faced the same demons I face. Makes you not feel so alone in this world.

Skyscraper - So empowering and emotional. One of my Demi favorites for sure.

If you're not a fan of Demi's, you might not know that she is currently a judge for the popular TV show, The X Factor. This particular audition was so emotional. I cried through the entire thing, watching it on TV. I too can relate to the pain this girl feels. It was heartbreaking to hear her story. Words cannot describe how much I feel for this girl, and for Demi as well. I feel so honored to have heard her story. They are both so strong. Please watch this. It is so worth it.

It's Been Too Long

Hi all new followers! Hi old followers who haven't forgetten about me yet :) I have missed my Ana friends dearly.

I guess it's time for an update on me...

Well, I haven't been very consistent in my blog posts as of late. This isn't a surprise to anyone, I'm sure. I have just been so busy. I started college last month and haven't had a lot of free time since. My summer was nice. Me and my (ex?) boyfriend spent a lot of time together and really had a wonderful last few months together.

Now that is all over.

He is gone. I don't want to go into too much detail because I do like keeping this blog anonymous, but he has moved 12 hours away from me, and he isn't allowed to have a phone where he is. (NO, he's not in jail. omg.) Our plans after high school were drastically different, to say the least. This is why we had planned to break up after the summer. We were both worried about making a long distance relationship work, and it's no secret that we've gone through some rough times in the past. So, we decided to just enjoy our last summer together and end things on a good note with each other. Much easier said than done. When it came time  for him to leave, I was a mess. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him and not being able to even talk to him while he was gone. In the end, we did officially break up. But I don't think it's what either one of us wanted. He writes me letters from where he is, but I miss him like crazy. I don't know whether to consider myself single or not. There is no question that he still has my heart. I haven't looked at another guy once since he's been gone, and I anxiously await his letters. I can't wait until I can see his face again and have him in my arms. We have been together for two years now, and I honestly feel a little lost without him. I haven't ever gone this long without talking to him, and I haven't been without him for two years. I am trying my best to stay strong because I promised him that I would.  I don't want him to worry about me while he is away. In his first letter to me, he asked twice if I had been eating and reminded me to stay healthy. In a way, this breaks my heart. I don't want him to have to worry about me staying healthy. I feel so guilty for putting him in that position. I want to be healthy, for him. But for myself? Not at all. I am still a broken little girl. And without him here, and with my heart so heavy, it is so easy for me to listen to Ana. This disease offers me peace. Helps me momentarily forget the pain. Gives me the control that I lack in every other aspect of my life. I know I am sick, but it's the only way I know how to live.

Kylie

I weighed in at 105 this morning.

I know I should feel happy about that, but I don't.

I am worthless.

Taking Control

I haven't eaten in 36 hours. This is the longest I have gone without consuming a single calorie. Yesterday all I had was 4 glasses of water and a glass of ice chips throughout the day. I woke up this morning feeling weird. I have a bad headache, but no hunger pains. I expected to wake up more hungry than ever, but I feel nothing from my stomach. I was a little dizzy when I first stood up, but that was to be expected. I'm hoping I can last the rest of the day and make it two full days without eating. Even if I don't quite make it, I am at least satisfied with what I have done. I'm finally taking some control.

I am more sick and delusioned than ever. I am in a bad place right now, and I know that. I honestly went crazy last night and called my ex and ended up crying on the phone with him for about 3 hours. We've been broken up for only 3 weeks, and he already has someone else. That hurt me so bad. It's like our two years together meant nothing to him. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone.

I tried once again to tell him how sick I was. I just wanted him to know what I am going through. I thought he would care and be concerned for me. I just wanted him to express some concern for me and let me know he wanted me to be alright. He is the only person I have ever talked to about my eating disorder, but he has never really taken it seriously. As soon as I brought it up last night, he tried to change the subject. He didn't even care. He thought I was being "dramatic" again, and didn't want to deal with it. After a while, I realized that he cannot help me if he doesn't even care. I don't even want help. I'm not ready to leave my eating disorder; I just wanted to know he cared about me. He proved however that he didn't. I asked him not to tell anyone at the end of our conversation. I told him that it really is something I struggle with, and I don't want everyone to know that about me. He agreed not to tell anyone. But I think that's only because he doesn't believe I am actually sick with this disease. 

Now that the only person who knows about my secret is gone, what is there to hold me back from getting worse? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no one that can stop me now.

Totally Lost

I need to be completely honest right now. I have fallen completely off the band wagon. I have basically been binge eating for a week straight. I feel depressed. Mostly from the breakup, but I'm trying to handle it. I don't know what has gotten into me, but it has to stop. I have ruined the workout routine I had built up for myself and I don't even want to think about getting on the scale. I've probably gained 10 pounds. I don't think I've ever messed up this bad. :( I am so off track. I need to fix this. I feel fatter than ever.

107!!

Jumping for joy over here! Yes, that's right, I am at my lowest weight EVER. While its not where I want to be ideally, its better than nothing. My personal life may be falling apart, but at least I'll always have Ana. She seems to swoop right in and comfort me through all of the bad times.

It's safe to say my eating disorder is fully thriving these days. The single life has given me one thing: Time. I have so much time on my hands now. Too much in fact. I find myself spending way more time thinking about what I'm going to eat next and carefully planning out each calorie. And I've been excercising a ton too. I feel so guilty when I eat. :( I have to work it all off right after or I feel disgusting and obese and worthless. Excercising helps alleviate some of the hatred I feel towards my body. And it makes me feel more in control. Like less of a lazy, fat failure. I hope I can keep this newly-found stamina up and continue my workouts and weightloss. It's pretty much the only thing I have going for me now.

Sweet Summertime?

First of all, let me just say how sorry I am for neglecting my blog for so long. I wouldn't be surprised if all of my friends in the ana community have forgotten about me by now. But I promise I'm going to try my hardest to post more often.

I've been soooo busy lately. College is hard. :( Honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed. I didn't really get much of a break. I graduated high school and immediately began taking summer courses for college. And I think the stress is getting to me. I'm just getting over being sick. I've been puking my guts out all week. I definitely don't judge those of you who may struggle with bulimia, but that is definitely not me. For some reason, I can't stand throwing up. But I have no problem with starving myself. I crave it, even. Pretty messed up, huh?

Speaking of messed up, my boyfriend and i broke up again. I broke up with him this time. I just couldn't take it anymore. He has changed so much since we first got together two years ago. He doesn't treat me right anymore. He doesn't care about me, and I can't be in a relationship like that. I've been staying really positive, but I do get really sad about things. But I just try and tell myself that everything will eventually be okay. Even so, I keep find myself rocking back and force, reliving all of the bad memories, blaming myself for everything, and trying to repeat in my head "You deserve better. This isn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself." It's hard though. I really hate myself sometimes. But I believe I still deserve to be happy. I hope I find that one day.

-Kylie