Doing Alright

What a lovely week this has been.

I am out of school for winter break AND my boyfriend came home! I have been spending lots of time with him. Oh how I have missed his company. He is so protective of me, and so caring. I wish he didn't have to leave again. I hate it when he is away. That is usually when I fall into my depressive ways.

I also found out that after my long period of weight gain over the last couple of months, I am finally back down to 104. Which is where I was about 3 months ago. I am elated to see a loss on the scale. And I have been having such a good week. Could it be...I am experiencing real happiness? For the first time in a long time, I am doing alright. It seems like there is always something wrong, something always keeping me down and preventing me from being happy. Things have been going so well lately, I am beginning to get paranoid. I hope this isn't God's way of preparing me for something horrible that is to come. How strange is it that I am paranoid about actually being happy? It's like I can't accept the fact that things might actually go well for me sometimes.

I must be crazy.

Just Checking In...

I woke up last night with horrible hunger pains. They've never been worse! They were so strong, they literally woke me up from my sleep. But I refused to eat. So, instead I drank a full cup of water, which seemed to help, and then went right back to sleep. I love water. It so easily tricks the stomach. But then it makes me feel full and bloated if I drink too much. Never a good thing. The absolute worst feeling to me, is when my stomach is too full. I can feel all of the nasty weight of what I've just eaten in my stomach as it digests itself and disperses the fat inside my body. It is utterly horrifying. I try to avoid it at all costs, but I always binge when I am upset. It's disgusting. 

Anyway, I get to see the boyfriend very soon. Finally! It has been almost 4 months since we have seen each other. I've been freaking out over what to wear, how to do my hair, etc... I just keep thinking to myself, "What if he sees me and doesn't think I'm pretty anymore?" or worse, "What if he sees me and thinks that I've gained weight?" He is absolutely not superficial like that in any way, but the thoughts still race through my head. I can't stop them. 

I haven't eaten yet today, but it's only 1:30 in the afternoon. So, we will see how the rest of the day goes... 

-Kylie

Out of the Hospital ... Liquid Diet

I just got out of the hospital last night. I was admitted Friday night and just came home last night (Sunday). Remember those horrible stomach pains and nausea I posted about Friday evening? Well, I thought it was only my food digesting slowly and giving me gas pains or something. But a little while after I posted that, I started throwing up and it wouldn't stop. I threw up nonstop for 4 hours. I was so sick and there was nothing left in my stomach, but I kept throwing up anyway. I was just laying on my bathroom floor shaking and crying. My parents finally took me to the hospital when I began throwing up blood. It was the worst pain I've ever felt. When I got to the hospital, they said I was so dehydrated that I needed to be put on an IV immediately. But the throwing up still didn't stop. I was mostly just dry heaving up blood and stomach acid since there was no food left in my stomach and I was so dehydrated. I was shaking so hard I couldn't even stand, much less make it to the bathroom on my own. They finally put some stomach medicine in my IV to stop the throwing up and I fell right to sleep. When I woke up the next day, I felt a lot better, but I was so thirsty and still felt a bit shaky. When the doctor came in to see me, he said I had blisters on my throat from all the stomach acid. It hurt so bad, but I didn't throw up anymore after that. They kept me there the following night for observation, just to be safe. 


But I am finally back home. I've been put on bed rest and a liquid diet for the next 48 hours. After that I am supposed to only eat soft foods or soup for the rest of the week, or until my throat feels better and my stomach is back to normal. Of course I wish this had never happened, but I can't help but be thankful that if I am going to be confined to my bed and unable to be active for awhile, at least my diet has been restricted by my doctor as well. I can't think of anything worse than laying in bed for days and stuffing my face with no way to get rid of the calories. Good thing my stomach still feels weak. I don't think I could eat any real food even if the doctor hadn't told me to stick to liquids. But look on the bright side, I haven't eaten solid food in 3 days...

It Hurts!

I'm having the worst stomach pains! Yesterday I ate entirely too much. And all of it is catching up to me now. I feel so nauseous and bloated. I wish my stomach would just digest all of this food already. I need to flush my system. Nothing but water for the next 12 hours. That should help...

I am starting my diet today as well. I have an important event coming up in 3 weeks and I want to be smaller. :( I think I'm going to go back to a vegetarian diet for the time being. That seemed to really help with maintaining my weight and not gaining. I'm kind of excited to get back to that.

Something that's been bothering me is how unfit I am. I'm going to start working out again. I've been so busy with school that it's hard to find time for anything else lately. But I know that I need to make time for it now. Especially since I'm starting my diet. I'm more likely to lose weight with the combination of both than I am with just one. 

I really hope I can stick with this for the next 3 weeks... and hopefully longer! 

Been Feeling Down

Sorry for disappearing for a while again guys... I just haven't been feeling up to writing much lately. I've had a terrible couple of weeks, but I'm hoping things get better soon. Right now, I have a week long break off from school. Hopefully some time spent at home with my family will help turn my mood around. I just feel a little lost. I'm probably the worst Ana blogger in the history of Ana bloggers. So, I apologize. But please know I will return and update on everything crazy that has been happening in my life. I just can't bear to type everything out right now... I can't seem to find the words.

To everyone who reads my blog, thank you so much for being so kind to me and supporting me without judgement. You have all been such dear friends. Sometimes I don't know what I would do if I had never discovered this wonderful community of people. I would probably be a whole lot worse off than I currently am... Thank you for listening. You don't know how much it means.

To Rayya

I know I don't post as often as I should, and we don't talk as often as we used to. You have so many Ana friends now, but I hope you still include me as one of them. You've always been my favorite Ana blogger. I just love reading your posts and talking with you through our blogs. Especially when I am feeling down. You haven't posted in a while, and I am honestly starting to miss reading what you are up to and how you're doing. This past week, I have been feeling extremely depressed and worthless. I feel so lost and my mind has been wandering to very dark places... As you're my closest Ana friend, I was hoping for some advice from you. Please come back soon. I could use your cheering up. You're so strong, Rayya. And you always make me feel better. I look up to you as an older sister.

Love you so much,

Kylie xxx

Please No...

Oh god. I can feel it. It's about to happen. I'm about to binge. I'm trying so hard to distract myself, but its as if the food is calling my name. Begging for me to eat it and then get rid of it all... I am so sick. Throwing up used to disgust me. I found it entirely repulsive. But now? I will do anything to be thin. How can I even live with myself? My mind is an awful place. A place where the most disgusting things seem perfectly okay and justifiable. Please please, Kylie...Don't do this. Who am I kidding? I can't fight this disease. It's a part of me. Self hatred is something I battle on a daily basis. Half of me hates that I do this to myself, and the other half can't stop. And that half always wins.