Family Drama

I hate my parents. They are so controlling and overreact about every little thing. My mother has actual anger problems. Anytime you say anything that she doesn't agree with in the slightest, she completely flips out and goes into a rage and curses and screams. And then she's totally fine 10 minutes later. It's the most random small things that set her off. I've been telling her for years that she has a problem, but she refuses to listen to me. Today, she's gone off on me three times. I told her she needed some professional help, or I would leave. I can't take this anymore. She can be the best mother and friend I've ever had one minute, and then go completely ballistic the next minute. I don't understand her. My dad always sides with her though. After she flipped out on me for the 3rd time, my dad took my laptop. As if I should be punished for the way she acts! As if its my fault that she's like this nonstop! Yeah freaking right! I waited until they all left to go Christmas shopping and went into their room and took it back. I paid for this computer. They can't take it from me and think everything is going to be fine and dandy. I guess we'll see how angry my mom gets later when she sees that I took it back. Oh well... I guess I should be used to this by now...I wonder if my parents would care more about me if I was thinner. Probably not.

I NEED To Eat Healthy!

Today's Caloric Intake:

    70 Calories- 1 Hard Boiled Egg
+250 Calories- 1 Slice of Homemade Cheesecake
+151 Calories- 3 oz. Cream Cheese/Chili Dip
+140 Calories- 11 Tortilla Chips
----------------
  611 Calories
- 104 Calories- 20 Minutes of Aerobics
----------------
  507 Calories Total

I'm actually pretty proud that my calorie intake was only 507, but I wish it had been healthy food! Cheesecake!! Really?? I should know better... I need to start eating more healthy. I've already planned out what I'm going to eat tomorrow. Nothing for breakfast, a banana for lunch, and a cup of instant noodles for dinner. That should keep me around 400 calories for the day. My grandma wants to take me out for breakfast tomorrow, though...which could ruin my entire plan. If I can't get out of it, I'll have to eat as little as possible without raising suspicion, and then exercise extra hard afterwards and work off every single calorie that passes my lips.

So, I know you guys don't know this about me, but I love to knit. I'm obsessed with it. I just learned how to about a month ago, and it's so much fun! I love being able to create something all on my own. I feel so proud and accomplished when I finish a project and have a cute scarf or headband to show off. And it keeps my hands busy, too. I have a terribly bad habit of biting my nails or picking at things when I'm bored. Knitting keeps my hands busy, and away from food too!! I knitted for 3 hours today. I wonder if knitting actually burns any calories...I'll have to look that up!

Stay strong.
- Ky

Feeling Good Today

Just finished taking all of my finals at school. Now I'm out for winter break. Finally!

I know I haven't talked about guys or friends on this blog much yet. But I do have a boyfriend. We've been together for a year. He's the best thing in my life. He really helps me get back up when I'm feeling down and bad about myself. 

Anyway.... I have no idea what I weigh right now. My scale at home is very old, and therefore highly unreliable. I usually only weigh myself at the gym now. Last time I checked I was 115.2 still. But I haven't been able to check my weight in sooo long because my family is in the process of moving right now and my mom said we have to put off the gym for awhile until after the move. So, that really sucks. I've been running a lot on the treadmill at the gym. I actually enjoy running! It's such a great time to just clear my head and really think about things. And now that I can't go to the gym for a while I'm really starting to miss that "Me Time". I might have to run in my neighborhood... I'm slightly opposed to running in public where people can see me, but...we'll see.

December Update

Hey guys! I know I haven't posted in over a week. I do apologize for that. I guess in a way I didn't want to disappoint you guys. I didn't want to post when I had only more bad news. I wanted to wait until I had a better mind set, and had something good to tell you guys.

So, I know I got really upset and discouraged after Thanksgiving. I was 114 lbs. But over the course of that week, I gained and got up to 116.2 lbs. I always weigh myself at the same time every day. So, I know that this was an actual weight gain and not just a weigh fluctuation throughout the day. Suprisingly, I actually talked to my mom about how I was feeling... And it went well! I told her that I've been feeling really out of shape lately, and that I know I haven't been eating healthy at all. I also told her that I feel really fat sometimes when I don't exercise and it feels like I'm just stuffing my face all day and gaining weight. And it really depresses me. Some days I just feel like I shouldn't even be allowed to eat because I feel so disgusting. She, of course, told me that I'm perfect just the way I am and told me I shouldn't feel that way at all because I'm already so thin and pretty. (She's my mom. She's like required to say that though!) But then she told me that she struggles with the same thing. And that she has all her life. My mom used to be SOOOO thin in high school. I get really jealous when I see pictures of her when she was my age. She was beautiful! But she told me that she felt the exact same way that I feel. She felt so out of place in her own body, and she always thought she was fat. Like I said, it was a really good conversation that we had. I'm starting to wonder if this kind of thing runs in families. Like, maybe I inherited my feelings of low self-worth from my mother. I've heard of alcoholism running in families. Maybe this could be the same? But that's just something to ponder. Anyway...

After I talked to my mom, she suggested that we start going to the gym together! We went twice last week, and have already been once this week. Trust me, I'm not a gym newbie. I'm not one of those lame people that comes in and tries out every machine in the building for 30 seconds. I know how to get my burn in! So, I've been really pushing myself in the gym and I think it's starting to pay off! I'm already down to 115.2 lbs! It's not where I was, but I'm still proud. I've lost 1 pound in just a week of going to the gym. I plan on making trips to the gym routine in my life now. Besides, my mom's hooked now too. She wants to start going every other day! :)

Wish me luck guys. I hope to be down to 114 next time I blog again! xoxo

I'm a disappointment.

This diet isn't working. I almost always go over the calorie count. I'm becoming very discouraged, and I feel fatter than ever....

Thanksgiving Update

Day 2: 800 Calories -- Fail again. I ate 984.


Day 3: 600 Calories -- FINALLY made my goal for the day! And it was only 600 calories. I can totally do this!

So, today is Thanksgiving Day. For those of you who don't know, its a US holiday to celebrate being thankful for all that you have. And basically, it's an excuse to get out of school and stuff your face. Thanksgiving is literally the day when every person in the US can eat anything and everything without stopping. It's got to be the most unhealthy day of the year. My family gets really into it. We make a 25 pound turkey and more food than our kitchen can even hold! We have leftovers for weeks after Thanksgiving!

I'm going to try really hard not to exceed my 700 calories for the day. But I just feel like I'm already doomed to fail... I might as well start the workouts now. I'm going to need them...

Day 1 Fail.

Day 1: 800 calories

I don't know what's wrong with me. 800 calories is plenty of food! Why couldn't I keep it under?? It was only the first day and I totally blew it. I ate exactly 1000 calories. My grandma made this really nice dinner last night for my family. And there were these biscuits that I ate like 3 of. Turns out they're 170 calories EACH!! Ugh, I am now staying away from bread. Way too high calorie and carb content! Only whole grain for me from now on!

So, I've decided at the beginning of each new entry I'll post the previous day's diet goal. If it's in red, that means I went over. If it's in blue, that means I met my goal. And if it's in purple, that means I ate under my calorie goal for the day. Praying for a lot of purple!! Day 2 is looking better. I've eaten 290 calories so far. I'm going to the movies later with the boyfriend, but I'm avoiding popcorn and soda at all costs!!

- Ky

ABC Diet -- Day 1

Alright, guys. What better way to kick off a brand new blog than with a brand new diet plan! I've been looking online at different diets, and I think I've decided on going with the ABC diet plan. (ABC stands for Ana Boot Camp. Lol, so it's perfect!)

It's a 50 day diet plan that tells you how many calories you can eat each day. I think I'm up for the challenge. Here's the diet:

Day 1: 800 calories (or less)

Day 2: 800 calories (or less)

Day 3: 600 calories

Day 4: 700 calories

Day 5: 400 calories

Day 6: 500 calories

Day 7: 600 calories

Day 8: 700 calories

Day 9: 800 calories

Day 10: 300 calories

Day 11: 450 calories

Day 12: 500 calories

Day 13: 700 calories

Day 14: 650 calories

Day 15: 550 calories

Day 16: 500 calories

Day 17: 300 calories

Day 18: 500 calories

Day 19: 400 calories

Day 20: 300 calories

Day 21: 600 calories

Day 22: 550 calories

Day 23: 500 calories

Day 24: 450 calories

Day 25: 400 calories

Day 26: 350 calories

Day 27: 400 calories

Day 28: 500 calories

Day 29: 500 calories

Day 30: 600 calories

Day 31: 1100 calories

Day 32: 300 calories

Day 33: 550 calories

Day 34: 650 calories

Day 35: 750 calories

Day 36: 300 calories

Day 37: 800 calories

Day 38: 750 calories

Day 39: 700 calories

Day 40: 650 calories

Day 41: 600 calories

Day 42: 550 calories

Day 43: 500 calories

Day 44: 500 calories

Day 45: 550 calories

Day 46: 500 calories

Day 47: 600 calories

Day 48: 500 calories

Day 49: 450 calories

Day 50: 300 calories 

I know its not super restrictive...But basically there are two versions of this diet. A semi-strict one (the one I'm doing) and a very strict one that involves fasting and never going over 500 calories. I wanted to start off on the easier one first so that I can ease myself back into Ana slowly, instead of just all at once and failing. My will power sucks, I know. But so far, Day 1 is looking pretty good! The goal is 800 cals or less. And I've eaten a total 0f 260 so far! It's only 7PM, but I definitely think I can keep it under 800 for the day! Wish me luck.

Let's Get To Know Each Other, Shall We?

The purpose of this blog is to share with you the story I call my life. Mainly dealing with my food issues... but I'll also talk about other aspects of my life, too. Family drama, boy problems, asking for and giving advice...everything.

A few things about me?

- I wanted to start this blog in hopes of getting my story out there, and reaching other Pro-Anas. I love the Pro-Ana online community. We really are a family, aren't we? 

- I'm 17 years old. I've struggled with food for most of my life. When I was younger, I was always "the fat friend". All of my friends were sticks. It sucked. I ballooned to my high weight of 139 when I was 15. That's when things got really bad. I knew I had to change. I got really depressed and hated everything about myself. But then a miracle happened. I became really sick. I developed stomach ulcers. Which basically means that there is a hole in the lining of your stomach and whenever you eat, the stomach acid digesting your food spills out of the hole and you experience excruciating stomach pains. So, after months of barely eating, I lost a lot of weight. (Which I've managed to maintain since then) Now, here I am. 17 and 114 lbs. A lot better than where I was 2 years ago, but I know I still have a long way to go!! I've been majorly slacking lately, and I'm really looking forward to reuniting with my long time friend, Ana. I can feel her luring me back in with her seductive, evil words. But we all love her, don't we? She's what keeps us going.

xoxo