Taking Control

I haven't eaten in 36 hours. This is the longest I have gone without consuming a single calorie. Yesterday all I had was 4 glasses of water and a glass of ice chips throughout the day. I woke up this morning feeling weird. I have a bad headache, but no hunger pains. I expected to wake up more hungry than ever, but I feel nothing from my stomach. I was a little dizzy when I first stood up, but that was to be expected. I'm hoping I can last the rest of the day and make it two full days without eating. Even if I don't quite make it, I am at least satisfied with what I have done. I'm finally taking some control.

I am more sick and delusioned than ever. I am in a bad place right now, and I know that. I honestly went crazy last night and called my ex and ended up crying on the phone with him for about 3 hours. We've been broken up for only 3 weeks, and he already has someone else. That hurt me so bad. It's like our two years together meant nothing to him. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone.

I tried once again to tell him how sick I was. I just wanted him to know what I am going through. I thought he would care and be concerned for me. I just wanted him to express some concern for me and let me know he wanted me to be alright. He is the only person I have ever talked to about my eating disorder, but he has never really taken it seriously. As soon as I brought it up last night, he tried to change the subject. He didn't even care. He thought I was being "dramatic" again, and didn't want to deal with it. After a while, I realized that he cannot help me if he doesn't even care. I don't even want help. I'm not ready to leave my eating disorder; I just wanted to know he cared about me. He proved however that he didn't. I asked him not to tell anyone at the end of our conversation. I told him that it really is something I struggle with, and I don't want everyone to know that about me. He agreed not to tell anyone. But I think that's only because he doesn't believe I am actually sick with this disease. 

Now that the only person who knows about my secret is gone, what is there to hold me back from getting worse? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no one that can stop me now.

Totally Lost

I need to be completely honest right now. I have fallen completely off the band wagon. I have basically been binge eating for a week straight. I feel depressed. Mostly from the breakup, but I'm trying to handle it. I don't know what has gotten into me, but it has to stop. I have ruined the workout routine I had built up for myself and I don't even want to think about getting on the scale. I've probably gained 10 pounds. I don't think I've ever messed up this bad. :( I am so off track. I need to fix this. I feel fatter than ever.

107!!

Jumping for joy over here! Yes, that's right, I am at my lowest weight EVER. While its not where I want to be ideally, its better than nothing. My personal life may be falling apart, but at least I'll always have Ana. She seems to swoop right in and comfort me through all of the bad times.

It's safe to say my eating disorder is fully thriving these days. The single life has given me one thing: Time. I have so much time on my hands now. Too much in fact. I find myself spending way more time thinking about what I'm going to eat next and carefully planning out each calorie. And I've been excercising a ton too. I feel so guilty when I eat. :( I have to work it all off right after or I feel disgusting and obese and worthless. Excercising helps alleviate some of the hatred I feel towards my body. And it makes me feel more in control. Like less of a lazy, fat failure. I hope I can keep this newly-found stamina up and continue my workouts and weightloss. It's pretty much the only thing I have going for me now.

Sweet Summertime?

First of all, let me just say how sorry I am for neglecting my blog for so long. I wouldn't be surprised if all of my friends in the ana community have forgotten about me by now. But I promise I'm going to try my hardest to post more often.

I've been soooo busy lately. College is hard. :( Honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed. I didn't really get much of a break. I graduated high school and immediately began taking summer courses for college. And I think the stress is getting to me. I'm just getting over being sick. I've been puking my guts out all week. I definitely don't judge those of you who may struggle with bulimia, but that is definitely not me. For some reason, I can't stand throwing up. But I have no problem with starving myself. I crave it, even. Pretty messed up, huh?

Speaking of messed up, my boyfriend and i broke up again. I broke up with him this time. I just couldn't take it anymore. He has changed so much since we first got together two years ago. He doesn't treat me right anymore. He doesn't care about me, and I can't be in a relationship like that. I've been staying really positive, but I do get really sad about things. But I just try and tell myself that everything will eventually be okay. Even so, I keep find myself rocking back and force, reliving all of the bad memories, blaming myself for everything, and trying to repeat in my head "You deserve better. This isn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself." It's hard though. I really hate myself sometimes. But I believe I still deserve to be happy. I hope I find that one day.

-Kylie

Black Out.

I passed out. In front of my entire family. It was bad.

I was in the middle of my fast. I hadn't eaten in two days. I know you're supposed to take it easy when you're fasting, and that's what I had been doing. But my sister asked me to do some yard work with her outside, and I said yes. Mistake #1. After being outside in the heat for a while, I started to become really tired. That's when I realized I hadn't drunk any water all day. Mistake #2. I sort of stumbled into the house to get some water, and I started getting really dizzy. So, I sat down in the kitchen for a minute and tried to regain my balance. I got myself a glass of water and drank it, and then started walking towards my room. But as I was passing through the living room (where my whole family was), my vision went black and I could feel myself falling. I hit the floor, and that was it.

When I came to, I was laying on my back with a cool washcloth on my forehead and my family was standing around me. Apparently they had all freaked when I went down. My sister told my mom that I hadn't eaten yet that day (that little rat), and my mom told me I needed to be more careful and make sure I was eating plenty, especially if I was going to be working outside. Other than that, I don't think anyone is suspicious of me. But my mom walked me to my bedroom and made me rest and eat crackers. I only ate five though, which is 60 calories total.

Honestly, it scared me a little. I don't like passing out. I've only passed out twice, and both times were from not eating. It doesn't feel good, not being able to control your body. Everything going black. I don't like it. How do I fast, or even barely consume calories, without passing out? Obviously I wasn't fasting the right way. What should I change when I try my next fast? I want to continue with Ana, but I want to do things the right way. So many questions.

Lightheaded and Loving It

I started my fast today. I haven't consumed a single calorie. I feel so lightheaded and faint. My body is WAY too used to food. Oh well, a little shock to the system can't hurt, right?

It feels so good just saying no to food. I feel in control and happy. I have missed this empty feeling in my stomach. :) There is no way I'm stopping my fast any time soon. 

Hope everyone is doing well. 

Guess What?!

Guess what? I'm graduating from high school in a week. I'm so excited! I know I'm going to be really sad the last day of school, but right now I couldn't be happier. I am just ready to start a new chapter of my life. Go to college, redefine myself... That kind of thing.

And not only that, but I have had the privilege of working out in the on-campus gym many times. And I cannot even begin to explain to you how excited I am going to be when I have my student membership and can use their wonderful, wonderful gym any time I want free of charge.

In other news, I think I'm going to try another fast. It's been awhile since I last tried to fast, but I've been eating like an absolute obese person the last few days. And its honestly depressing to me when my stomach is full. That's when I hate myself the most. I need to cleanse my system of all the nasty food I've been eating. Liquid fast: here I come.