Vegan

If you've read my blog in the past, you will know that I was vegetarian for about 4 months last year. I really enjoyed it! It helped me lose a little weight, and I noticed I was having way more energy than when I was eating meat. But it was hard for me to stick to it after a while just because my family eats primarily meat and it just wasn't the right kind of environment to continue my vegetarian diet in.

But since I live on my own now and pay for my own groceries (what little I allow myself to buy, that is), I feel like I have the ability to try things again and really stick with it!

Only this time, I'm taking it a step further and going vegan. Which means no meat and no animal by-products (eggs, dairy products). I've been at it for almost two weeks now, and I am loving it! I have already lost 3 pounds, just from the change in diet.

I decided to do this again for several reasons. The main one being the health benefits. If you don't know what I mean by this, I recommend watching one of two very powerful documentaries. Forks Over Knives, and Vegucated. Both are extremely eye-opening and really show you how bad the modern diet is for our bodies. Another big reason is because of animal rights. I have never been a big advocate for animal rights, but after watching how these animals are treated and destroyed in our factory farming systems, it absolutely breaks my heart. There's no way I will be a part of that anymore. I can't bear to eat meat again. It disgusts me.

I will keep you updated on how this new change goes. Hopefully it all works out for the best. So far, everything is great. I haven't run into any major problems. I think I might actually be able to do this!

Back to work.

Good news! I found a workout buddy. We've decided to work out together 3 days a week at a local gym. I'm really happy because I know it'll give me the extra motivation to get in shape if I have someone to hold me accountable for my workouts. We worked out together yesterday, took a break today, and we're going again tomorrow. It was really nice to hit the gym again, but holy crap I am so out of shape. It's sad how winded I get from running after only a minute on the treadmill. I just want to cry.

My roommate's like "You don't need to work out, you're already so thin!" Not really... I don't think people understand that someone can look "thin" in their clothes, but still have a lot of fat on their bodies. I have absolutely no muscle. It's all fat around my stomach and thighs and arms. It's disgusting.

I want to be toned, tan, and tiny. Ahhhhh think of how amazing that would be... I can picture it now. I'm going to work at this. Really work. I want to get in shape and lose weight. I won't stop until I look good naked. I will not fail. Not this time. I'm ready to work as hard as I have to.

Been Awhile...

Wow.

I've been away from this blog for about 4 months now. I was just reading my last post from December, the one where I was talking about being paranoid something terrible was just around the corner because things seemed to be going too well.

Aaannndd... I was right. Everything pretty much fell to shit right after that. I'll spare you the awful details. It's depressing and, quite frankly, still too hard to think about.

All I'll say is that something horrific happened, and it sent me spiraling downward into a major depression. And I just went crazy and left.

Left my home.

Left college.

Left the old me behind.

I ran away. I couldn't stay there any longer and be reminded of the past. I had to get away. And when I did, I swore to myself that I would try to be better on my own. I would stop this blog and finally tell Ana "No".

I've been trying for the past four months.

Then I stepped on the scale last week. For the first time in 4 months.

Gain.

Major gain.

15 pounds heavier than when I left. That's when I decided to screw the whole thing, and now here I am. Back to my blog. Back to restricting. Back to sneaking in extra exercise in the bathroom when my new roommate is sleeping. Back to that old "Oh, I already ate" line everyone and their mom has heard from me a million times. But do I care? Not one bit. I just want to be skinny.

So, hello Ana family. I've missed you all.

-Kylie

Doing Alright

What a lovely week this has been.

I am out of school for winter break AND my boyfriend came home! I have been spending lots of time with him. Oh how I have missed his company. He is so protective of me, and so caring. I wish he didn't have to leave again. I hate it when he is away. That is usually when I fall into my depressive ways.

I also found out that after my long period of weight gain over the last couple of months, I am finally back down to 104. Which is where I was about 3 months ago. I am elated to see a loss on the scale. And I have been having such a good week. Could it be...I am experiencing real happiness? For the first time in a long time, I am doing alright. It seems like there is always something wrong, something always keeping me down and preventing me from being happy. Things have been going so well lately, I am beginning to get paranoid. I hope this isn't God's way of preparing me for something horrible that is to come. How strange is it that I am paranoid about actually being happy? It's like I can't accept the fact that things might actually go well for me sometimes.

I must be crazy.

Just Checking In...

I woke up last night with horrible hunger pains. They've never been worse! They were so strong, they literally woke me up from my sleep. But I refused to eat. So, instead I drank a full cup of water, which seemed to help, and then went right back to sleep. I love water. It so easily tricks the stomach. But then it makes me feel full and bloated if I drink too much. Never a good thing. The absolute worst feeling to me, is when my stomach is too full. I can feel all of the nasty weight of what I've just eaten in my stomach as it digests itself and disperses the fat inside my body. It is utterly horrifying. I try to avoid it at all costs, but I always binge when I am upset. It's disgusting. 

Anyway, I get to see the boyfriend very soon. Finally! It has been almost 4 months since we have seen each other. I've been freaking out over what to wear, how to do my hair, etc... I just keep thinking to myself, "What if he sees me and doesn't think I'm pretty anymore?" or worse, "What if he sees me and thinks that I've gained weight?" He is absolutely not superficial like that in any way, but the thoughts still race through my head. I can't stop them. 

I haven't eaten yet today, but it's only 1:30 in the afternoon. So, we will see how the rest of the day goes... 

-Kylie

Out of the Hospital ... Liquid Diet

I just got out of the hospital last night. I was admitted Friday night and just came home last night (Sunday). Remember those horrible stomach pains and nausea I posted about Friday evening? Well, I thought it was only my food digesting slowly and giving me gas pains or something. But a little while after I posted that, I started throwing up and it wouldn't stop. I threw up nonstop for 4 hours. I was so sick and there was nothing left in my stomach, but I kept throwing up anyway. I was just laying on my bathroom floor shaking and crying. My parents finally took me to the hospital when I began throwing up blood. It was the worst pain I've ever felt. When I got to the hospital, they said I was so dehydrated that I needed to be put on an IV immediately. But the throwing up still didn't stop. I was mostly just dry heaving up blood and stomach acid since there was no food left in my stomach and I was so dehydrated. I was shaking so hard I couldn't even stand, much less make it to the bathroom on my own. They finally put some stomach medicine in my IV to stop the throwing up and I fell right to sleep. When I woke up the next day, I felt a lot better, but I was so thirsty and still felt a bit shaky. When the doctor came in to see me, he said I had blisters on my throat from all the stomach acid. It hurt so bad, but I didn't throw up anymore after that. They kept me there the following night for observation, just to be safe. 


But I am finally back home. I've been put on bed rest and a liquid diet for the next 48 hours. After that I am supposed to only eat soft foods or soup for the rest of the week, or until my throat feels better and my stomach is back to normal. Of course I wish this had never happened, but I can't help but be thankful that if I am going to be confined to my bed and unable to be active for awhile, at least my diet has been restricted by my doctor as well. I can't think of anything worse than laying in bed for days and stuffing my face with no way to get rid of the calories. Good thing my stomach still feels weak. I don't think I could eat any real food even if the doctor hadn't told me to stick to liquids. But look on the bright side, I haven't eaten solid food in 3 days...

It Hurts!

I'm having the worst stomach pains! Yesterday I ate entirely too much. And all of it is catching up to me now. I feel so nauseous and bloated. I wish my stomach would just digest all of this food already. I need to flush my system. Nothing but water for the next 12 hours. That should help...

I am starting my diet today as well. I have an important event coming up in 3 weeks and I want to be smaller. :( I think I'm going to go back to a vegetarian diet for the time being. That seemed to really help with maintaining my weight and not gaining. I'm kind of excited to get back to that.

Something that's been bothering me is how unfit I am. I'm going to start working out again. I've been so busy with school that it's hard to find time for anything else lately. But I know that I need to make time for it now. Especially since I'm starting my diet. I'm more likely to lose weight with the combination of both than I am with just one. 

I really hope I can stick with this for the next 3 weeks... and hopefully longer!