Demi

Demi Lovato has always been a huge inspiration to me. She is so beautiful, and so strong. I adore everything about this girl. What an amazing journey she has been on the past few years. I admire how strong and courageous she is today. It is so comforting to know that someone so talented and beautiful has faced the same demons I face. Makes you not feel so alone in this world.

Skyscraper - So empowering and emotional. One of my Demi favorites for sure.

If you're not a fan of Demi's, you might not know that she is currently a judge for the popular TV show, The X Factor. This particular audition was so emotional. I cried through the entire thing, watching it on TV. I too can relate to the pain this girl feels. It was heartbreaking to hear her story. Words cannot describe how much I feel for this girl, and for Demi as well. I feel so honored to have heard her story. They are both so strong. Please watch this. It is so worth it.

It's Been Too Long

Hi all new followers! Hi old followers who haven't forgetten about me yet :) I have missed my Ana friends dearly.

I guess it's time for an update on me...

Well, I haven't been very consistent in my blog posts as of late. This isn't a surprise to anyone, I'm sure. I have just been so busy. I started college last month and haven't had a lot of free time since. My summer was nice. Me and my (ex?) boyfriend spent a lot of time together and really had a wonderful last few months together.

Now that is all over.

He is gone. I don't want to go into too much detail because I do like keeping this blog anonymous, but he has moved 12 hours away from me, and he isn't allowed to have a phone where he is. (NO, he's not in jail. omg.) Our plans after high school were drastically different, to say the least. This is why we had planned to break up after the summer. We were both worried about making a long distance relationship work, and it's no secret that we've gone through some rough times in the past. So, we decided to just enjoy our last summer together and end things on a good note with each other. Much easier said than done. When it came time  for him to leave, I was a mess. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him and not being able to even talk to him while he was gone. In the end, we did officially break up. But I don't think it's what either one of us wanted. He writes me letters from where he is, but I miss him like crazy. I don't know whether to consider myself single or not. There is no question that he still has my heart. I haven't looked at another guy once since he's been gone, and I anxiously await his letters. I can't wait until I can see his face again and have him in my arms. We have been together for two years now, and I honestly feel a little lost without him. I haven't ever gone this long without talking to him, and I haven't been without him for two years. I am trying my best to stay strong because I promised him that I would.  I don't want him to worry about me while he is away. In his first letter to me, he asked twice if I had been eating and reminded me to stay healthy. In a way, this breaks my heart. I don't want him to have to worry about me staying healthy. I feel so guilty for putting him in that position. I want to be healthy, for him. But for myself? Not at all. I am still a broken little girl. And without him here, and with my heart so heavy, it is so easy for me to listen to Ana. This disease offers me peace. Helps me momentarily forget the pain. Gives me the control that I lack in every other aspect of my life. I know I am sick, but it's the only way I know how to live.

Kylie

I weighed in at 105 this morning.

I know I should feel happy about that, but I don't.

I am worthless.

Taking Control

I haven't eaten in 36 hours. This is the longest I have gone without consuming a single calorie. Yesterday all I had was 4 glasses of water and a glass of ice chips throughout the day. I woke up this morning feeling weird. I have a bad headache, but no hunger pains. I expected to wake up more hungry than ever, but I feel nothing from my stomach. I was a little dizzy when I first stood up, but that was to be expected. I'm hoping I can last the rest of the day and make it two full days without eating. Even if I don't quite make it, I am at least satisfied with what I have done. I'm finally taking some control.

I am more sick and delusioned than ever. I am in a bad place right now, and I know that. I honestly went crazy last night and called my ex and ended up crying on the phone with him for about 3 hours. We've been broken up for only 3 weeks, and he already has someone else. That hurt me so bad. It's like our two years together meant nothing to him. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone.

I tried once again to tell him how sick I was. I just wanted him to know what I am going through. I thought he would care and be concerned for me. I just wanted him to express some concern for me and let me know he wanted me to be alright. He is the only person I have ever talked to about my eating disorder, but he has never really taken it seriously. As soon as I brought it up last night, he tried to change the subject. He didn't even care. He thought I was being "dramatic" again, and didn't want to deal with it. After a while, I realized that he cannot help me if he doesn't even care. I don't even want help. I'm not ready to leave my eating disorder; I just wanted to know he cared about me. He proved however that he didn't. I asked him not to tell anyone at the end of our conversation. I told him that it really is something I struggle with, and I don't want everyone to know that about me. He agreed not to tell anyone. But I think that's only because he doesn't believe I am actually sick with this disease. 

Now that the only person who knows about my secret is gone, what is there to hold me back from getting worse? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no one that can stop me now.

Totally Lost

I need to be completely honest right now. I have fallen completely off the band wagon. I have basically been binge eating for a week straight. I feel depressed. Mostly from the breakup, but I'm trying to handle it. I don't know what has gotten into me, but it has to stop. I have ruined the workout routine I had built up for myself and I don't even want to think about getting on the scale. I've probably gained 10 pounds. I don't think I've ever messed up this bad. :( I am so off track. I need to fix this. I feel fatter than ever.

107!!

Jumping for joy over here! Yes, that's right, I am at my lowest weight EVER. While its not where I want to be ideally, its better than nothing. My personal life may be falling apart, but at least I'll always have Ana. She seems to swoop right in and comfort me through all of the bad times.

It's safe to say my eating disorder is fully thriving these days. The single life has given me one thing: Time. I have so much time on my hands now. Too much in fact. I find myself spending way more time thinking about what I'm going to eat next and carefully planning out each calorie. And I've been excercising a ton too. I feel so guilty when I eat. :( I have to work it all off right after or I feel disgusting and obese and worthless. Excercising helps alleviate some of the hatred I feel towards my body. And it makes me feel more in control. Like less of a lazy, fat failure. I hope I can keep this newly-found stamina up and continue my workouts and weightloss. It's pretty much the only thing I have going for me now.

Sweet Summertime?

First of all, let me just say how sorry I am for neglecting my blog for so long. I wouldn't be surprised if all of my friends in the ana community have forgotten about me by now. But I promise I'm going to try my hardest to post more often.

I've been soooo busy lately. College is hard. :( Honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed. I didn't really get much of a break. I graduated high school and immediately began taking summer courses for college. And I think the stress is getting to me. I'm just getting over being sick. I've been puking my guts out all week. I definitely don't judge those of you who may struggle with bulimia, but that is definitely not me. For some reason, I can't stand throwing up. But I have no problem with starving myself. I crave it, even. Pretty messed up, huh?

Speaking of messed up, my boyfriend and i broke up again. I broke up with him this time. I just couldn't take it anymore. He has changed so much since we first got together two years ago. He doesn't treat me right anymore. He doesn't care about me, and I can't be in a relationship like that. I've been staying really positive, but I do get really sad about things. But I just try and tell myself that everything will eventually be okay. Even so, I keep find myself rocking back and force, reliving all of the bad memories, blaming myself for everything, and trying to repeat in my head "You deserve better. This isn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself." It's hard though. I really hate myself sometimes. But I believe I still deserve to be happy. I hope I find that one day.

-Kylie