Sweet Summertime?

First of all, let me just say how sorry I am for neglecting my blog for so long. I wouldn't be surprised if all of my friends in the ana community have forgotten about me by now. But I promise I'm going to try my hardest to post more often.

I've been soooo busy lately. College is hard. :( Honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed. I didn't really get much of a break. I graduated high school and immediately began taking summer courses for college. And I think the stress is getting to me. I'm just getting over being sick. I've been puking my guts out all week. I definitely don't judge those of you who may struggle with bulimia, but that is definitely not me. For some reason, I can't stand throwing up. But I have no problem with starving myself. I crave it, even. Pretty messed up, huh?

Speaking of messed up, my boyfriend and i broke up again. I broke up with him this time. I just couldn't take it anymore. He has changed so much since we first got together two years ago. He doesn't treat me right anymore. He doesn't care about me, and I can't be in a relationship like that. I've been staying really positive, but I do get really sad about things. But I just try and tell myself that everything will eventually be okay. Even so, I keep find myself rocking back and force, reliving all of the bad memories, blaming myself for everything, and trying to repeat in my head "You deserve better. This isn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself." It's hard though. I really hate myself sometimes. But I believe I still deserve to be happy. I hope I find that one day.

-Kylie

Black Out.

I passed out. In front of my entire family. It was bad.

I was in the middle of my fast. I hadn't eaten in two days. I know you're supposed to take it easy when you're fasting, and that's what I had been doing. But my sister asked me to do some yard work with her outside, and I said yes. Mistake #1. After being outside in the heat for a while, I started to become really tired. That's when I realized I hadn't drunk any water all day. Mistake #2. I sort of stumbled into the house to get some water, and I started getting really dizzy. So, I sat down in the kitchen for a minute and tried to regain my balance. I got myself a glass of water and drank it, and then started walking towards my room. But as I was passing through the living room (where my whole family was), my vision went black and I could feel myself falling. I hit the floor, and that was it.

When I came to, I was laying on my back with a cool washcloth on my forehead and my family was standing around me. Apparently they had all freaked when I went down. My sister told my mom that I hadn't eaten yet that day (that little rat), and my mom told me I needed to be more careful and make sure I was eating plenty, especially if I was going to be working outside. Other than that, I don't think anyone is suspicious of me. But my mom walked me to my bedroom and made me rest and eat crackers. I only ate five though, which is 60 calories total.

Honestly, it scared me a little. I don't like passing out. I've only passed out twice, and both times were from not eating. It doesn't feel good, not being able to control your body. Everything going black. I don't like it. How do I fast, or even barely consume calories, without passing out? Obviously I wasn't fasting the right way. What should I change when I try my next fast? I want to continue with Ana, but I want to do things the right way. So many questions.

Lightheaded and Loving It

I started my fast today. I haven't consumed a single calorie. I feel so lightheaded and faint. My body is WAY too used to food. Oh well, a little shock to the system can't hurt, right?

It feels so good just saying no to food. I feel in control and happy. I have missed this empty feeling in my stomach. :) There is no way I'm stopping my fast any time soon. 

Hope everyone is doing well. 

Guess What?!

Guess what? I'm graduating from high school in a week. I'm so excited! I know I'm going to be really sad the last day of school, but right now I couldn't be happier. I am just ready to start a new chapter of my life. Go to college, redefine myself... That kind of thing.

And not only that, but I have had the privilege of working out in the on-campus gym many times. And I cannot even begin to explain to you how excited I am going to be when I have my student membership and can use their wonderful, wonderful gym any time I want free of charge.

In other news, I think I'm going to try another fast. It's been awhile since I last tried to fast, but I've been eating like an absolute obese person the last few days. And its honestly depressing to me when my stomach is full. That's when I hate myself the most. I need to cleanse my system of all the nasty food I've been eating. Liquid fast: here I come.

We're Back Together.

The boy and I are back together. :)

I'm so happy! ...and gaining weight. 2 pounds so far. Why is it that I can only lose weight when I'm upset? Why can't I just be happy AND thin?

I know what you're thinking: "You can't have your cake and eat it, too." But I swear, I don't want to eat any damn cake!

-Ky

On The Verge.

I'm so close to breaking.

Things are so complicated with my exboyfriend. We tried being friends after the break up, and just ended up hooking up. Now, I dont know what to do. :/

Also, I haven't been eating. Like hardly at all. After he broke up with me, I pretty much lost the will to do much of anything. I don't want to sound like just another whiny teenager. Because I'm not. Its really hard to lose someone who you are so close to. We were together for two years. I'm a mess right now.

Anyway, I haven't been eating and he's been noticing. I weigh 108 now. I dropped 7 pounds in a week and a half. Normally, I would be so happy about that, but its hard to be happy about anything right now. I am grateful though. No one will stay by your side like Ana will, that's for sure. Guess I'm learning that the hard way.

But I need some advice. Like I said before, my exboyfriend is noticing that I'm not eating... He asked me point blank today if I was "trying to be anorexic". I laughed and said no, of course not. But a part of me wanted to scream at him and tell him the truth about it all. Should I have told him? I'm tired of lying to everyone around me... I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask for?

Broken

My boyfriend of two years left me.
Out of the blue.
With little reason, other than he just "didn't feel the same about me anymore".

I have no idea how to go on.
My best friend has just been ripped from me.
My life seems meaningless now.

I've stopped eating.
I've stopped caring.
I've stopped trying.

I hate myself.