I know I don't post as often as I should, and we don't talk as often as we used to. You have so many Ana friends now, but I hope you still include me as one of them. You've always been my favorite Ana blogger. I just love reading your posts and talking with you through our blogs. Especially when I am feeling down. You haven't posted in a while, and I am honestly starting to miss reading what you are up to and how you're doing. This past week, I have been feeling extremely depressed and worthless. I feel so lost and my mind has been wandering to very dark places... As you're my closest Ana friend, I was hoping for some advice from you. Please come back soon. I could use your cheering up. You're so strong, Rayya. And you always make me feel better. I look up to you as an older sister.
Love you so much,
Kylie xxx
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Please No...
Oh god. I can feel it. It's about to happen. I'm about to binge. I'm trying so hard to distract myself, but its as if the food is calling my name. Begging for me to eat it and then get rid of it all... I am so sick. Throwing up used to disgust me. I found it entirely repulsive. But now? I will do anything to be thin. How can I even live with myself? My mind is an awful place. A place where the most disgusting things seem perfectly okay and justifiable. Please please, Kylie...Don't do this. Who am I kidding? I can't fight this disease. It's a part of me. Self hatred is something I battle on a daily basis. Half of me hates that I do this to myself, and the other half can't stop. And that half always wins.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Pushing On
I'm definitely feeling the negative effects of not eating for a while. I'm still getting nauseous when my stomach is empty. But now when I do eat, it messes up my entire digestive system. I don't even want to go into detail. I'm sure you all have experienced these things before. Not the most pleasant part about Ana. But I'm pushing on...
I glanced at myself in a mirror I was walking past today and noticed that my thighs don't touch when I walk anymore. Not even at the top. I almost cried. No lie. I'm scared to weigh myself, but hopefully the thigh gap is a good sign. I don't know why they don't touch anymore. They still look like fat, whale legs to me. Maybe my hips have gotten wider and spread my legs farther apart... It's got to be something like that. There's no way I've lost that must weight. I'm still huge.
I glanced at myself in a mirror I was walking past today and noticed that my thighs don't touch when I walk anymore. Not even at the top. I almost cried. No lie. I'm scared to weigh myself, but hopefully the thigh gap is a good sign. I don't know why they don't touch anymore. They still look like fat, whale legs to me. Maybe my hips have gotten wider and spread my legs farther apart... It's got to be something like that. There's no way I've lost that must weight. I'm still huge.
I wish I looked half as good as her... ^^
Friday, October 19, 2012
Empty is Everything
For the first time in a long time, I have successfully been restricting. I was doing so horribly for so long, it has been nice to know that I still have some control over this fat body of mine.
For the past week, I have been skipping breakfast. (Nice start, but nothing special...) And yesterday I amped it up to skipping breakfast and lunch. It was horrible and exhilarating all at the same time to feel those hunger pains again. Ahhhh I have missed those.
I will try with everything I can muster to keep going like this. Only eating one meal a day, and drinking lots and lots of water. I just hate how nauseous I get when I don't eat. That is probably the biggest downside. But I just have to sit down and drink some water and concentrate on my breathing and it usually goes away after a few minutes. Enduring a little nausea will definitely be worth it when I am down to my low weight (103) again.
For the past week, I have been skipping breakfast. (Nice start, but nothing special...) And yesterday I amped it up to skipping breakfast and lunch. It was horrible and exhilarating all at the same time to feel those hunger pains again. Ahhhh I have missed those.
I will try with everything I can muster to keep going like this. Only eating one meal a day, and drinking lots and lots of water. I just hate how nauseous I get when I don't eat. That is probably the biggest downside. But I just have to sit down and drink some water and concentrate on my breathing and it usually goes away after a few minutes. Enduring a little nausea will definitely be worth it when I am down to my low weight (103) again.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Roommate problems...Help!
Since I've moved out of my parent's house to go to college, I have been staying on campus in the dorms. Yes, I have a roommate. Don't even get me started on how hard it is to live with someone you had never met before it was time to move in together. Needless to say, we have our struggles. But I have grown to like her for the most part and call her a friend.
The one thing that bothers me most about her is how overbearing she is. Mostly about my weight/eating habits/exercise. I have never been a person who likes confrontation. If someone is mean to me or tries to boss me around or does bad things to me, I just take it. I don't know why. I hate myself for letting people walk all over me. But I just can't stick up for myself. I've never been able to. I would just rather avoid the entire situation and not start arguments.
So, back to my overbearing roommate...
Ever since we moved in together, she has always told me how skinny I am and how I need to gain weight. She weighs 15-20 lbs more than me. It is impossible for me to skip a meal around her. Every time she eats, she insists I eat too. I try and tell her I'm not hungry, but she just shoves food in my face and tells me I need to eat more because I'm too skinny and I need some "meat on my bones". It's gotten to the point that I've been thinking about purging more and more lately. :(
And god forbid I ever want to exercise. She yelled at me when I told her I spent an hour on the treadmill! She said I don't need to be doing any cardio because it will only make me thinner, and if I INSIST on working out, I only need to only lift weights so that I can "gain muscle and bulk up".
I don't think she is doing any of this to be mean. It's just her personality. She's like this all the time. But it is really starting to get to me. I don't even like being in the same room with her when I change clothes. She always looks at me and says "oh my gosh you're so thin! Why do you even work out?" Maybe it's because I don't want my entire body weight to consist of fat... And she always makes me stand in the mirror next to her and compare leg size, arm size, stomach size. It's annoying, and it makes me uncomfortable. Yes, I am smaller than her. Why does she have to point it out all the time? I am in control of my own body, not her. Why do I let her drag me through the mud day after day about my body? I wish I could tell her all of this. But I'd never be able to work up the courage. I'm just not a fighter. I can't start things with people.
I know she isn't saying these things because she is concerned for me. The way she says them, I can tell it's because she gets jealous. She always talks about how much she hates her own body and wishes she were smaller and then turns around and tells me I need to gain weight. I think she just wants me to be the same size as her so she doesn't feel so bad about herself. She weighs 125. I am currently fluctuating between 105 & 110. I feel like I would be doing a whole lot better if she weren't interfering so much. How do I get her to stop? I don't think I can take it much longer...
HELP.
The one thing that bothers me most about her is how overbearing she is. Mostly about my weight/eating habits/exercise. I have never been a person who likes confrontation. If someone is mean to me or tries to boss me around or does bad things to me, I just take it. I don't know why. I hate myself for letting people walk all over me. But I just can't stick up for myself. I've never been able to. I would just rather avoid the entire situation and not start arguments.
So, back to my overbearing roommate...
Ever since we moved in together, she has always told me how skinny I am and how I need to gain weight. She weighs 15-20 lbs more than me. It is impossible for me to skip a meal around her. Every time she eats, she insists I eat too. I try and tell her I'm not hungry, but she just shoves food in my face and tells me I need to eat more because I'm too skinny and I need some "meat on my bones". It's gotten to the point that I've been thinking about purging more and more lately. :(
And god forbid I ever want to exercise. She yelled at me when I told her I spent an hour on the treadmill! She said I don't need to be doing any cardio because it will only make me thinner, and if I INSIST on working out, I only need to only lift weights so that I can "gain muscle and bulk up".
I don't think she is doing any of this to be mean. It's just her personality. She's like this all the time. But it is really starting to get to me. I don't even like being in the same room with her when I change clothes. She always looks at me and says "oh my gosh you're so thin! Why do you even work out?" Maybe it's because I don't want my entire body weight to consist of fat... And she always makes me stand in the mirror next to her and compare leg size, arm size, stomach size. It's annoying, and it makes me uncomfortable. Yes, I am smaller than her. Why does she have to point it out all the time? I am in control of my own body, not her. Why do I let her drag me through the mud day after day about my body? I wish I could tell her all of this. But I'd never be able to work up the courage. I'm just not a fighter. I can't start things with people.
I know she isn't saying these things because she is concerned for me. The way she says them, I can tell it's because she gets jealous. She always talks about how much she hates her own body and wishes she were smaller and then turns around and tells me I need to gain weight. I think she just wants me to be the same size as her so she doesn't feel so bad about herself. She weighs 125. I am currently fluctuating between 105 & 110. I feel like I would be doing a whole lot better if she weren't interfering so much. How do I get her to stop? I don't think I can take it much longer...
HELP.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)