Vegan

If you've read my blog in the past, you will know that I was vegetarian for about 4 months last year. I really enjoyed it! It helped me lose a little weight, and I noticed I was having way more energy than when I was eating meat. But it was hard for me to stick to it after a while just because my family eats primarily meat and it just wasn't the right kind of environment to continue my vegetarian diet in.

But since I live on my own now and pay for my own groceries (what little I allow myself to buy, that is), I feel like I have the ability to try things again and really stick with it!

Only this time, I'm taking it a step further and going vegan. Which means no meat and no animal by-products (eggs, dairy products). I've been at it for almost two weeks now, and I am loving it! I have already lost 3 pounds, just from the change in diet.

I decided to do this again for several reasons. The main one being the health benefits. If you don't know what I mean by this, I recommend watching one of two very powerful documentaries. Forks Over Knives, and Vegucated. Both are extremely eye-opening and really show you how bad the modern diet is for our bodies. Another big reason is because of animal rights. I have never been a big advocate for animal rights, but after watching how these animals are treated and destroyed in our factory farming systems, it absolutely breaks my heart. There's no way I will be a part of that anymore. I can't bear to eat meat again. It disgusts me.

I will keep you updated on how this new change goes. Hopefully it all works out for the best. So far, everything is great. I haven't run into any major problems. I think I might actually be able to do this!

Back to work.

Good news! I found a workout buddy. We've decided to work out together 3 days a week at a local gym. I'm really happy because I know it'll give me the extra motivation to get in shape if I have someone to hold me accountable for my workouts. We worked out together yesterday, took a break today, and we're going again tomorrow. It was really nice to hit the gym again, but holy crap I am so out of shape. It's sad how winded I get from running after only a minute on the treadmill. I just want to cry.

My roommate's like "You don't need to work out, you're already so thin!" Not really... I don't think people understand that someone can look "thin" in their clothes, but still have a lot of fat on their bodies. I have absolutely no muscle. It's all fat around my stomach and thighs and arms. It's disgusting.

I want to be toned, tan, and tiny. Ahhhhh think of how amazing that would be... I can picture it now. I'm going to work at this. Really work. I want to get in shape and lose weight. I won't stop until I look good naked. I will not fail. Not this time. I'm ready to work as hard as I have to.

Been Awhile...

Wow.

I've been away from this blog for about 4 months now. I was just reading my last post from December, the one where I was talking about being paranoid something terrible was just around the corner because things seemed to be going too well.

Aaannndd... I was right. Everything pretty much fell to shit right after that. I'll spare you the awful details. It's depressing and, quite frankly, still too hard to think about.

All I'll say is that something horrific happened, and it sent me spiraling downward into a major depression. And I just went crazy and left.

Left my home.

Left college.

Left the old me behind.

I ran away. I couldn't stay there any longer and be reminded of the past. I had to get away. And when I did, I swore to myself that I would try to be better on my own. I would stop this blog and finally tell Ana "No".

I've been trying for the past four months.

Then I stepped on the scale last week. For the first time in 4 months.

Gain.

Major gain.

15 pounds heavier than when I left. That's when I decided to screw the whole thing, and now here I am. Back to my blog. Back to restricting. Back to sneaking in extra exercise in the bathroom when my new roommate is sleeping. Back to that old "Oh, I already ate" line everyone and their mom has heard from me a million times. But do I care? Not one bit. I just want to be skinny.

So, hello Ana family. I've missed you all.

-Kylie