I weighed in at 105 this morning.

I know I should feel happy about that, but I don't.

I am worthless.

Taking Control

I haven't eaten in 36 hours. This is the longest I have gone without consuming a single calorie. Yesterday all I had was 4 glasses of water and a glass of ice chips throughout the day. I woke up this morning feeling weird. I have a bad headache, but no hunger pains. I expected to wake up more hungry than ever, but I feel nothing from my stomach. I was a little dizzy when I first stood up, but that was to be expected. I'm hoping I can last the rest of the day and make it two full days without eating. Even if I don't quite make it, I am at least satisfied with what I have done. I'm finally taking some control.

I am more sick and delusioned than ever. I am in a bad place right now, and I know that. I honestly went crazy last night and called my ex and ended up crying on the phone with him for about 3 hours. We've been broken up for only 3 weeks, and he already has someone else. That hurt me so bad. It's like our two years together meant nothing to him. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone.

I tried once again to tell him how sick I was. I just wanted him to know what I am going through. I thought he would care and be concerned for me. I just wanted him to express some concern for me and let me know he wanted me to be alright. He is the only person I have ever talked to about my eating disorder, but he has never really taken it seriously. As soon as I brought it up last night, he tried to change the subject. He didn't even care. He thought I was being "dramatic" again, and didn't want to deal with it. After a while, I realized that he cannot help me if he doesn't even care. I don't even want help. I'm not ready to leave my eating disorder; I just wanted to know he cared about me. He proved however that he didn't. I asked him not to tell anyone at the end of our conversation. I told him that it really is something I struggle with, and I don't want everyone to know that about me. He agreed not to tell anyone. But I think that's only because he doesn't believe I am actually sick with this disease. 

Now that the only person who knows about my secret is gone, what is there to hold me back from getting worse? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no one that can stop me now.

Totally Lost

I need to be completely honest right now. I have fallen completely off the band wagon. I have basically been binge eating for a week straight. I feel depressed. Mostly from the breakup, but I'm trying to handle it. I don't know what has gotten into me, but it has to stop. I have ruined the workout routine I had built up for myself and I don't even want to think about getting on the scale. I've probably gained 10 pounds. I don't think I've ever messed up this bad. :( I am so off track. I need to fix this. I feel fatter than ever.

107!!

Jumping for joy over here! Yes, that's right, I am at my lowest weight EVER. While its not where I want to be ideally, its better than nothing. My personal life may be falling apart, but at least I'll always have Ana. She seems to swoop right in and comfort me through all of the bad times.

It's safe to say my eating disorder is fully thriving these days. The single life has given me one thing: Time. I have so much time on my hands now. Too much in fact. I find myself spending way more time thinking about what I'm going to eat next and carefully planning out each calorie. And I've been excercising a ton too. I feel so guilty when I eat. :( I have to work it all off right after or I feel disgusting and obese and worthless. Excercising helps alleviate some of the hatred I feel towards my body. And it makes me feel more in control. Like less of a lazy, fat failure. I hope I can keep this newly-found stamina up and continue my workouts and weightloss. It's pretty much the only thing I have going for me now.