Family Drama

I hate my parents. They are so controlling and overreact about every little thing. My mother has actual anger problems. Anytime you say anything that she doesn't agree with in the slightest, she completely flips out and goes into a rage and curses and screams. And then she's totally fine 10 minutes later. It's the most random small things that set her off. I've been telling her for years that she has a problem, but she refuses to listen to me. Today, she's gone off on me three times. I told her she needed some professional help, or I would leave. I can't take this anymore. She can be the best mother and friend I've ever had one minute, and then go completely ballistic the next minute. I don't understand her. My dad always sides with her though. After she flipped out on me for the 3rd time, my dad took my laptop. As if I should be punished for the way she acts! As if its my fault that she's like this nonstop! Yeah freaking right! I waited until they all left to go Christmas shopping and went into their room and took it back. I paid for this computer. They can't take it from me and think everything is going to be fine and dandy. I guess we'll see how angry my mom gets later when she sees that I took it back. Oh well... I guess I should be used to this by now...I wonder if my parents would care more about me if I was thinner. Probably not.

I NEED To Eat Healthy!

Today's Caloric Intake:

    70 Calories- 1 Hard Boiled Egg
+250 Calories- 1 Slice of Homemade Cheesecake
+151 Calories- 3 oz. Cream Cheese/Chili Dip
+140 Calories- 11 Tortilla Chips
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  611 Calories
- 104 Calories- 20 Minutes of Aerobics
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  507 Calories Total

I'm actually pretty proud that my calorie intake was only 507, but I wish it had been healthy food! Cheesecake!! Really?? I should know better... I need to start eating more healthy. I've already planned out what I'm going to eat tomorrow. Nothing for breakfast, a banana for lunch, and a cup of instant noodles for dinner. That should keep me around 400 calories for the day. My grandma wants to take me out for breakfast tomorrow, though...which could ruin my entire plan. If I can't get out of it, I'll have to eat as little as possible without raising suspicion, and then exercise extra hard afterwards and work off every single calorie that passes my lips.

So, I know you guys don't know this about me, but I love to knit. I'm obsessed with it. I just learned how to about a month ago, and it's so much fun! I love being able to create something all on my own. I feel so proud and accomplished when I finish a project and have a cute scarf or headband to show off. And it keeps my hands busy, too. I have a terribly bad habit of biting my nails or picking at things when I'm bored. Knitting keeps my hands busy, and away from food too!! I knitted for 3 hours today. I wonder if knitting actually burns any calories...I'll have to look that up!

Stay strong.
- Ky

Feeling Good Today

Just finished taking all of my finals at school. Now I'm out for winter break. Finally!

I know I haven't talked about guys or friends on this blog much yet. But I do have a boyfriend. We've been together for a year. He's the best thing in my life. He really helps me get back up when I'm feeling down and bad about myself. 

Anyway.... I have no idea what I weigh right now. My scale at home is very old, and therefore highly unreliable. I usually only weigh myself at the gym now. Last time I checked I was 115.2 still. But I haven't been able to check my weight in sooo long because my family is in the process of moving right now and my mom said we have to put off the gym for awhile until after the move. So, that really sucks. I've been running a lot on the treadmill at the gym. I actually enjoy running! It's such a great time to just clear my head and really think about things. And now that I can't go to the gym for a while I'm really starting to miss that "Me Time". I might have to run in my neighborhood... I'm slightly opposed to running in public where people can see me, but...we'll see.

December Update

Hey guys! I know I haven't posted in over a week. I do apologize for that. I guess in a way I didn't want to disappoint you guys. I didn't want to post when I had only more bad news. I wanted to wait until I had a better mind set, and had something good to tell you guys.

So, I know I got really upset and discouraged after Thanksgiving. I was 114 lbs. But over the course of that week, I gained and got up to 116.2 lbs. I always weigh myself at the same time every day. So, I know that this was an actual weight gain and not just a weigh fluctuation throughout the day. Suprisingly, I actually talked to my mom about how I was feeling... And it went well! I told her that I've been feeling really out of shape lately, and that I know I haven't been eating healthy at all. I also told her that I feel really fat sometimes when I don't exercise and it feels like I'm just stuffing my face all day and gaining weight. And it really depresses me. Some days I just feel like I shouldn't even be allowed to eat because I feel so disgusting. She, of course, told me that I'm perfect just the way I am and told me I shouldn't feel that way at all because I'm already so thin and pretty. (She's my mom. She's like required to say that though!) But then she told me that she struggles with the same thing. And that she has all her life. My mom used to be SOOOO thin in high school. I get really jealous when I see pictures of her when she was my age. She was beautiful! But she told me that she felt the exact same way that I feel. She felt so out of place in her own body, and she always thought she was fat. Like I said, it was a really good conversation that we had. I'm starting to wonder if this kind of thing runs in families. Like, maybe I inherited my feelings of low self-worth from my mother. I've heard of alcoholism running in families. Maybe this could be the same? But that's just something to ponder. Anyway...

After I talked to my mom, she suggested that we start going to the gym together! We went twice last week, and have already been once this week. Trust me, I'm not a gym newbie. I'm not one of those lame people that comes in and tries out every machine in the building for 30 seconds. I know how to get my burn in! So, I've been really pushing myself in the gym and I think it's starting to pay off! I'm already down to 115.2 lbs! It's not where I was, but I'm still proud. I've lost 1 pound in just a week of going to the gym. I plan on making trips to the gym routine in my life now. Besides, my mom's hooked now too. She wants to start going every other day! :)

Wish me luck guys. I hope to be down to 114 next time I blog again! xoxo