Doing Alright

What a lovely week this has been.

I am out of school for winter break AND my boyfriend came home! I have been spending lots of time with him. Oh how I have missed his company. He is so protective of me, and so caring. I wish he didn't have to leave again. I hate it when he is away. That is usually when I fall into my depressive ways.

I also found out that after my long period of weight gain over the last couple of months, I am finally back down to 104. Which is where I was about 3 months ago. I am elated to see a loss on the scale. And I have been having such a good week. Could it be...I am experiencing real happiness? For the first time in a long time, I am doing alright. It seems like there is always something wrong, something always keeping me down and preventing me from being happy. Things have been going so well lately, I am beginning to get paranoid. I hope this isn't God's way of preparing me for something horrible that is to come. How strange is it that I am paranoid about actually being happy? It's like I can't accept the fact that things might actually go well for me sometimes.

I must be crazy.

Just Checking In...

I woke up last night with horrible hunger pains. They've never been worse! They were so strong, they literally woke me up from my sleep. But I refused to eat. So, instead I drank a full cup of water, which seemed to help, and then went right back to sleep. I love water. It so easily tricks the stomach. But then it makes me feel full and bloated if I drink too much. Never a good thing. The absolute worst feeling to me, is when my stomach is too full. I can feel all of the nasty weight of what I've just eaten in my stomach as it digests itself and disperses the fat inside my body. It is utterly horrifying. I try to avoid it at all costs, but I always binge when I am upset. It's disgusting. 

Anyway, I get to see the boyfriend very soon. Finally! It has been almost 4 months since we have seen each other. I've been freaking out over what to wear, how to do my hair, etc... I just keep thinking to myself, "What if he sees me and doesn't think I'm pretty anymore?" or worse, "What if he sees me and thinks that I've gained weight?" He is absolutely not superficial like that in any way, but the thoughts still race through my head. I can't stop them. 

I haven't eaten yet today, but it's only 1:30 in the afternoon. So, we will see how the rest of the day goes... 

-Kylie